Friday, March 23, 2018

Slowly waking up from my mom coma

I love the picture of Dorothy above-- it looks like she is ready to take on the world and embrace the universe of possibilities that are waiting for her.

I am envious of this stance because, as I get older, my possible is slowly shrinking to my actual.  Something about the big 4-0 looming just around the corner is making me super reflective and introspective and, I have to tell you, a little discontented.

Does anybody have any suggestions for NOT short changing my own priorities?  I feel like when things get busy, I am super good at making sure everyone else's needs are met, but then I have to triage my own issues.  This usually take the form of me walking around with Michelle Duggar hair because I never ever have time to wash, dry, and style it.  So usually, I decide to just wash it and leave it hanging there with these sad little weird waves.  Ugh.

But, more importantly, it looks like being 9 years out of my PhD and not ever promotable because I have abandoned my research.  Or 200 pages into a novel that sits abandoned for weeks at a time in my docs even though I talk a good game.

Maybe I am finally emerging from the haze of the little kid years with the tiny centimeters of critical distance I need to examine my own life and think about my future as a person, not just as a butt-wiper and snack-maker.  Maybe this is my midlife crisis.  Maybe it's this genius piece I read the other day.  I just sort of feel like everything has been on hold while the kids have needed so much of me all day everyday.  Next year, though, they'll all be in school all day, and I will have whole chunks of time to do what I want/need to do.  I feel like the opportunity for self-actualization is right there for the taking, but I am not sure how to maximize it.

Any advice for being the person your 5-year-old self was counting on you to be?

2 comments:

Becca said...

I totally get this. I am in limbo with my job, which makes me wonder if I should go back to school and try something else, only to realize I'd probably be forty-something when I was done. Feeling more and more like I'm going to be a forever-visitor, content with my hobbies and my family. Not so bad, really. Except in some moments, usually when I see what my grad school friends are up to.

Chiconky said...

Yep. I so get this. I don’t have any good advice, but commiseration is a close second, right?