Monday, July 27, 2015

Ugh. Packing.

Packing is THE WORST.  I just bought all of the things at Target except my favorite sunscreen (for me-- I buy rainbow unicorn sunscreen for the children from the Whole Foods) and a back of boxers for Harry and Jack because as long as we are driving (I hate airplanes EVEN MORE than I hate 20 hours in the car with my children),  I am bringing enough stuff to last the whole 2 weeks with no laundry.  Ha!

Ben set up tables in the upstairs and downstairs hallways so we have room to stage the kids' clothes. LOL.  Except we're dead serious.  We are packing a way there bag, a Disney bag, several Hilton Head bags, and a way home bag.  The way home bag has multiple contingencies because our route is completely weather-dependent.  I want to hit up our old grad school stomping grounds in Oxford, Ohio, and Muncie, Indiana, and Ben wants a stopover in the Smoky Mountains, so we need a few leftover picture-worthy outfits.

I decided that 5 swimsuits was NOT enough, naturally.

Harry stumbled into a BOGO James Patterson book event at Barnes and Noble.

I decided to give the kids a little wrapped up dollar store gift every time we cross a state line (10 states lines.  4 kids.  That's a lot of wrapping).

We need a Costco infusion of car snacks.

I downloaded ALL OF THE APPS for our new iPads which I swear to god will be identically loaded to prevent fighting flare ups.

Consumption, FTW!

The kids are practicing their screen time, and they're doing a GREAT JOB.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Splash Pad

Yesterday the big boys and I slathered ourselves with sunscreen and tiptoed outside, leaving Cooper cluelessly downstairs with Ben and Dorothy happily napping in her crib.  We sneak out to the pool like this about 3 days a week, and our evil plan usually goes off without a hitch.  I lie in the sun and read.  Jack does back flips off the diving board; Harry plays pickle during adult swim and football in the pool the rest of the time.  I sometimes have a beer.  The boys eat candy bars or cheese curds.  We come home to whatever lovely dinner Ben has prepared us.  Sure, Dorothy and Cooper are kind of pissy about the whole thing when they see us in our swim suits, but they are easy to trick the next day, so it's a win-win.  I am like ridiculously tan from all the time I spend immobile in a lounge chair with a book.  I have read like 12 books this month.


Anyway, we got all sunscreened up (I wear SO MUCH SUNSCREEN but am still so tan) and made it to the pool at the exact moment it was closing for a dive meet.  D'oh.

Since I really just wanted to sit in peace and read my book, we headed to a splash park in a neighboring town.  I didn't really have high hopes because I took the babies to this very splash park a few weeks ago, and they were totally bored.

But Harry and Jack LOVED it.  They cavorted and splashed and laughed and had the kind of time that makes me remember they are only little kids themselves.

And that's it.  We've been doing not a whole hell of a lot lately.

Last weekend we took Harry to the Brett Favre Legends Game, and it was cute.  All the oldsters seemed to be having a helluva good time playing flag football.  Harry liked it so much he got a Packers shirt which flies in the face of his Bears fandom.
We are leaving for vacation soon (Disney again, natch, followed by Hilton Head), and we are just about in that neurotic packing phase.  I am currently obsessed with the number of pajamas each person has and wondering if 5 swimsuits can get me through 10 days (shut up).  Look forward to lots of exciting updates about cute little Aveda travel sized products and quantities of rash guards.  I KNOW.

We went to St. Charles to take Ben's dad out for his birthday (that we'll miss while we're on vacay).  Before we left, Ben took the little kids to a birthday party and Harry, Jack, and I went out to lunch and to the library to get vacation reads.  It was so lovely and relaxing-- a glimpse into my future, perhaps?

And I almost forgot!  Jack got an adorable haircut:

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Another broken nose? What are the odds?

 We took the kids out to dinner after baseball on Monday, an hour past their normal dinner time.  And even though it was late, we went to a sit-down restaurant.  And even though I am trying to eat 1000 less calories than I burn everyday (which has turned me into a person who works out for AT LEAST 90 minutes a day everyday), I had half a cherry bomb margarita because DAMN.

We ran into Walgreens after dinner to replenish our Tylenol supply because EVERYONE HAS BEEN SICK (seriously, Ben is at the doc with Cooper right now because Cooper's swimmers ear drops aren't working and we leave for vacation in 6 days), and I took a couple of selfies trying to decide which one to put on Instagram because I felt like I looked so awesome in my new sunglasses.
 And then as an obvious punishment for my vanity, when I was putting Dorothy to bed, we were snuggling on my bed, and she raised her head then fell dramatically back against the pillows.  Only she didn't land on the pillows.  SHE LANDED ON MY FUCKING NOSE and broke it.
I started screaming hysterically and cupping my hands around all the blood.  Ben put her to bed, and I sort of sobbed and put a towel and some ice on my face.

I heard the revolting crack, so I knew instantly it was broken.

Urgent care closed in 20 minutes, so I couldn't get an appointment.  Rather than go to the ER, I iced it and took Ibuprofen and saw a doctor the next morning.  The x-ray tech had to take 3 films of my nose, so I am never getting dental x-rays again because holy shit that was a ton of radiation my face.  The doctor looked at the films, felt me nose, checked the inside for blood clots, and confirmed that it's broken.

Luckily, the bones line up really nicely still, and it should heal OK in A FUCKING MONTH.  Until then, it hurts.  Especially when I laugh (Seeing Trainwreck last night was brutal).  The doc said to avoid holding the kids on my lap at Disney on any rides.  Yikes.  Basically, it's just important that I not re-injure my nose between now and whenever it un-swells and stops hurting.  Good times.

So gross and painful you guys.

I told Dorothy the next day, and she put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Oh honey."

Then later she asked me to "eat my yegs" (eat her legs) and of course I complied because BABY LEGS ARE DELICIOUS and she kicked me a little in the face, and I said "Ow!" and again she patted my shoulder and said, "Oh honey.  You broke-ed your nose."  She's hilarious.

The whole reason we were having bedtime snuggles in the first place is because I decided to stop nursing because she is 2.5 and I am totally over it.  But she was not.  But I really wanted to bleach my teeth for the first time in forever (shut up-- the vanity, I know), and I need to not be nursing for that.  So.  I am not nursing anymore but now I don' care about my teeth because of my fat ugly face.  Damnit.

Also, for those of you playing along at home, YES, the same thing only worse happened in 2009 to Ben.  Remember?  And for all of the shit he gave me this week on FB, I was super snarky about his broken in face in several posts.  Like this one, this one, and this one.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Bring your kid to work day. No, really, it totally is.

Harry came to work with me today, and we had SO MUCH FUN.  Right now I am writing this really quick before we hit the library and the grocery store while he plays Minecraft on my phone.  He also brought his MacBook Air, and we worked side-by-side on our matching computers with my office door closed and Alabama Shakes playing just loud enough to probably annoy the shit out of the theater department people across the hall.  We took a long lunch and went to the bookstore because Harry **needed** a new hat.  We lunched at Potbelly where Harry had his first ever Dr. Pepper (#moty), and then we walked to the capitol and went out on the (beautiful) observation deck after watching police break up a bunch of old people protesting our asshat governor with songs.  It's been lovely.

Cooper is sick with whatever the hell Dorothy had.  And he likely ALSO has an ear infection which is a really weird coincidence because those are not catching, right?  Ben is taking him to the pediatrician while we speak (type).

Dorothy HATES to take her amoxicillin. HATES it.  She was screaming and crying and spitting it everywhere until I realized that she just wanted to stand on the ground on her own 2 feet (NOT sit on the counter) and administer the medicine herself by squirting it into her mouth with a syringe.  Then, she needs to eat a fun size Milky Way bar and nurse a little.  SIMPLE ENOUGH.

Instead of going to the pool yesterday, we decided to keep it fresh with a front-yard water fight.  because nothing could be grosser than a sprinkler and a slip-n-slide into some backyard dog poop, am I right?

Tomorrow, Ben and I are supposed to go out with friends, but I am still not drinking because of last weekend, and I am pretty sure everyone thinks I am pregnant.  But, nope.  Just scared sober.  Temporarily.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Catch up-- again!

The funny thing is that at the beginning of the month, I was totally going to NaBloPpMo July.  And then.

I have shared most of my life on FB over the past week, but how about a little recap?

Took Dorothy to the library on the way to Jack's baseball game and discovered she's a puzzle whiz.  WHO KNEW #MOTY
 Took the all the kids to the store and bought a horrible cartload of horrible junk
 And bought them Lotto tickets.
 After being scared of the diving board for 7 years of his life, Jack finally jumped off a week ago Sunday.  Ad he's already doing back flips.

 After going out with girlfriends for sushi on Tuesday, Ben and I went out for sushi on Thursday.  I think I might be addicted to sushi.
We had a movie night with the boys on Friday and watched Armageddon and now Jack is a nihilist.

 We went to Peoria for the weekend to throw a 50th surprise party for our friend Dan.
 The kids got to see baby Henry!
 And help us decorate the room.
 We stayed in a hotel and got dressed up all fancy
 And then I got blackout drunk and spent the hours of 10:30-1:30 puking everywhere.  SO DREAMY.
 The next morning, we hit up the Bradley campus with the kids.

 And brunched at our old favorite place.

 And now, poor Dorothy has an ear infection and a 10-3-degree fever that won't quit and she is very sad.
 And Cooper is trashing the place.
Summer is starting to bore me, you guys.  Good thing we go on vacation in 2 weeks!!!!

Monday, July 06, 2015

Happy summer, America!

Have I told you guys about the time on our honeymoon when my ears were clogged with water and they hurt so bad I had to see the resort doctor?  And he was this super young, hot guy?  And he had to wash my ears out because they were full of wax and my brand new husband held a basin at my shoulder while fetus-sized chunks of gunk came out of my ears?  It was SO ROMANTIC.

This past weekend, I spent a lot of time taking Dorothy and Cooper down the water slide and going off the diving board (and I wasn't even day drinking at that point-- I KNOW), and starting yesterday morning, my ears were totally clogged.  I knew if they didn't unclog by this morning, I would have to go to the doctor, probably for an ear wash.  And they didn't, so I did, with ALL OF THE KIDS.

I mean, it is almost our 10-year anniversary, so I guess it was time.

(Seriously, you guys, I have weird ear canals-- it's not that I am filthy.  I use drops and everything, but nothing ever comes out.  Let's not talk about this again, okay?)

Anyway, it totally sucked OF COURSE to be in a tiny room with all of my kids, and the nurse was super pissy because she couldn't take my pulse or get my blood pressure effectively because the kids were all over me, and I wanted to be an asshole and be like WHAT THE HELL. DO YOU THINK THIS IS SOME SORT OF PLEASURE TRIP FOR ME?  I AM IN PAIN HERE, LADY.  But I knew she would probably be coming back in the room momentarily to unclog my ears, so I was nice even when she moved my LV purse out of the way of the door WITH HER FOOT.  The only time I got a little not nice was when she was annoyed because I didn't remember the day of my last menstrual period.  She really pressed the issue and finally I said "Look, this is not about my vagina.  My ears hurt," and then I laughed to take away the sting but SERIOUSLY.  I am more than lady parts.  They never ask BEN when his last period was.  Erm.

Speaking of the 4th of July, it was awesome!  The whole weekend, really.  And like any good Wisconsin weekend, it started on Thursday.  Ben, Harry, and Jack went camping with a couple from my department, and the babies and I were on our own.

We met some friends at the purple dinosaur park, and Dorothy took off her Elsa dress because she was too hot.

 Before bedtime, Cooper requested Superman ice cream, his favorite flavor. And how could I resist?  Both babies are even cuter when they're covered in ice cream.

I put them to bed at like 7 and then zoned on the couch with Beatrix until almost midnight watching Roseanne on Netflix.  Great show.

Chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, and this picture is a good metaphor for our alone time:  almost a disaster but ultimately delicious.

 We trolled Super Target and bought tons of random shit then met the same friends for some splash park action.  And I remembered that splash parks never quite hold the kids' attention like I want them to.
 Ben and the boys came home just before nap time, and I went on an unsuccessful swimsuit shopping trip.  Lands Ends is just not doing it for me anymore.  In a good way.

Then Ben and I spent the rest of our night on the water slide.
 We started 4th of July with some pool time and MOAR waterslide.  And there was day drinking.  And naps.
 And matching shirts!
 And forced posing!
 It's amazing that this tray made it in tact the whole half mile to the party.


 Ben and his friends got drunk and put on a huge fireworks show for us on the golf course.  It was a little bit scary because the fireworks were HUGE and RIGHT ABOVE OUR HEADS and being lit by our drunk husbands.

The kids enjoyed the kind of lord of the flies, parents are drunk, semi-unsupervised, manic playtime I remember from my own childhood when we'd go to parties with other families.
 And the next morning, I was obviously too hungover to properly get on my damn float at Family Float Day at the pool.
 We all brought our kids and some coffee and donuts and frolicked our hangovers away.  But then we went home at noon (when Float Day officially ends) for lunch and naps and everyone else rallied with some margaritas and stayed at the pool, til 3.  We just can't hang, man.

Hope you had a similarly indulgent weekend.  'Merica.