Sunday, December 20, 2020

Terrible Holiday Movie Reviews

Holly Star, Netflix, 2018. This is tagline for this movie:  "Good news: buried treasure. Bad news: Near-death experience. It's hard out there for a puppeteer." What.  I mean. What.  Favorite part: The tagline. When the shark is always already jumped, you know what you are getting.

Holidate: Netflix, 2020: THIS IS AWFUL. Like a Bridesmaids kind of movie that is NOT FUNNY. But also not not funny enough to be actually funny, you know? Favorite part: Kristin Chenoweth, who is 52, dating a dude in his 30's.

Holiday in the Wild, Netflix 2019: Because I am postpartum, I love a move that allows me to sleep for large chinks and feel like I didn't miss a thing. THIS ONE IS PERFECT. This is a delightfully terrible movie. The characters are the barest sketches of people. The plot is the very thinnest of thin. Kristin Davis is a stay-at-home city vet who just has a knack for baby elephants! The safari company never has another client ever! College is a high school cafeteria and a laptop! You should watch this one, but not without a plan for a drinking game. Favorite part: Kristin Davis is GORGEOUS at 55, and she and Rob Lowe are the same age and look it. Most realistic thing about this movie.

Christmas Break-In, Netflix 2018: Delightfully terrible. No character is developed beyond like 3 words. This pitch meeting must have been like 45 seconds long. Santa drives a delivery truck. What do the workaholic parents even do at work? Why does the 9 year-old have an iPhone? Who closes school with a kid in it? How do you go from stealing coins to murder? What are the teens doing in that room and why do they call it a basement? The lead kid is adorable, though. Favorite part: Denise Richards has Lisa Rinna's face now.

Santa Girl: Netflix, 2019: This movie does a lot wrong (heteronormative patriarchy, namely) and a lot right (hilarious elf jokes, Santa's office looking like a title loan agency, snarky one-liners that are genuinely funny). I loved that the title character is normal-sized. Favorite part: everything about low-budget villain Jack Frost

Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey, Netflix 2020: This movie is darling. The songs are great. It's very pretty (and has an actual movie budget). The kids and I LOVED this one. Definitely NOT a terrible Christmas movie. Favorite part: Every song.

Godmothered, Disney +, 2020: This is only tangentially a Christmas movie, but it is adorable, and I think you should watch it. Jillian Bell is the cutest, and I love love love Isla Fisher (AKAK the pretty Amy Adams). Like Noelle, we loved the magic-person-in-real-life jokes (because Elf remains our all-time-favorite), and I was able to take a tiny nap and still follow along. How sad is it that I am at a stage in my life where that is a movie requirement? Favorite part: Gary the raccoon maid. Also that Jane Curtin and I have the same hairstyle.

The Happiest Season, Hulu, 2020: LOVED this one. It's really funny but also sweet, and I adore that it's a 2-girls-in-love story, which is missing from the Christmas movie landscape. Mary Steenburgen is a delight, and her IG feed at the end is worth the wait (her hashtags, bless her heart). Favorite part: TWO WORDS: Dan. Levy.

Noelle, Disney+, 2019: I am in love with this movie and everything about it. I teared up at the end. Not only will I watch it again with the kids, I will watch it every year. It's terrific and a cut above the others on this list-- no comparison, really. But what the hell is Shirley McLaine even doing in this movie? Favorite part: Anna Kendrick is a better Buddy than Will Ferrell. 

Just Another Christmas, Netflix, 2020: At first we were like OH MY GOD they couldn't even dub this movie right-- this is genuinely terrible-- JACKPOT. Then we were ,like, wait a second, is this even set in the US? And hang on are they speaking another language? Then we googled it. It's a Brazilian move and BRILLIANT, I cried. Watch this one!! Favorite Part: The dog made me laugh.

1 comment:

  1. I love this! I added a couple to my “watch ASAP” list. We loved Godmothered and Christmas Chronicles 2 but unpopular opinion? We did not love Jingle Jangle. The little man was creepy and I’m not a fan of “if you’re sad send your daughter away forever” thing.