Irresponsible or therapeutic?

I am totally copying Sarah and have signed up for NaNoWriMo. That means next month, I am going to write a novel just for the hell of it.

Why yes, yes I do have other things to do.

Why yes, yes I do have other things to write.

But yes, yes I am going to do it anyway.

I don't know if I told you guys this, but I kind of lost my shit for awhile right after I defended my dissertation and got my PhD.

Firs there was the total meltdown about toxic chemicals in my beauty products. Then I thought I smelled smoke all the time and convinced myself I had a brain tumor. There was a particularly bad elevator ride where I got off on nine and made us all walk down some rickety hotel stairs with our stroller and made Ben stay at least a flight ahead of us so he could check and make sure the door to the stairwell opened on each floor, so we could have an escape route.

I saw a really nice therapist and worked through some shit, namely that my anxiety stems from my work. I am scared to write, which explains why I fill my days not writing and feeling really anxious about it. It's a cycle. I have tried yoga and massage and other relaxation techniques, but at some point, I just need to freaking write something.

Enter National Novel Writing Month. I am going to spend November writing fiction everyday-- at least 50,000 words by the end of the month. Not because I think I can write a good novel in 30 days (and how much do real writers hate all the effing jackasses like me who pound out 30 days of crap and call it a novel?) but because I want to remember why I love to write-- the process, the craft, etc. My advisor always told me that what made me a successful grad student was my ability to write total shit, and I have lost that ability. I used to sit down at the computer each day and write-- not because the muse was with me, but because it was my job.

Now I stare at a screen and feel stupid.

Then I eat something.

So, NaNoWriMo? Anyone with me?