It’s hard OF COURSE or appreciate how good you have it when you actually have it good, you know?
I have spent literal YEARS complaining on this blog about the slog of motherhood and unfair gendered expectations for parents and women’s second-shift housework, etc etc etc. (I wish I labeled my posts because then I could easily see JUST HOW OFTEN I talk about these these), but it turns out? I HAD NO IDEA that I was living the egalitarian dream.
BEN DID SO MUCH AROUND THE HOUSE when he worked from home, and his flexibility was THE KEY to all of our success, in some ways.
He still does A TON of house/kid/life stuff, but not having him around during the day really illustrates all the things he used to do.
And I am talking about little things like unloading the dishwasher in the morning and filling the kids’ water bottles, switching laundry throughout the day, folding and putting away laundry at least half-time. He also did a bunch of bigger things like picking up prescriptions from the HMO pharmacy, hitting our favorite wine/cheese/coffee store midweek and making sure our produce drawers were stocked fresh, taking Dorothy and Coop to their ortho appointments, doing dance driver duty and the diving practice shuffle two days a week. He was HOME if something came up or if more than one kid needed something in more than one location at the same time. He had time to take my car in for oil changes and tire rotations. I COULD SCHEDULE A COLONOSCOPY AT MY LEISURE.
And! Like a jerk! I have spent the last 17 years of motherhood taking all of this (and more!) for granted.
Sometimes I think about what my life might have looked like if I had devoted more focus to work than to kids, and I will admit to being a little wistful. I’ve never really thought about what my life would look like without the kind of partnership we have created, though. I would have been lucky to scrape together the time to grab some holiday sweater-folding shifts at the Gap, it turns out, when we had 4 kids in 7 years.
(Luckily, we did both have flexibility when we had many little kids, and now we have the infrastructure in place to handle 2 busy parents OK. I don’t want to lose sight of that in all of my complaining— things are totally fine. I have just been kind of a bad partner all of this time, focusing on what I was doing that was hard and forgetting that I had someone by my side doing at least half of the domestic heavy lifting.)
The other night at hockey pics, I suggested Coop and Minnie get a photo with the mascot (Jack was at high school diving practice; Harry was getting ready for NHS, and we watched Dorothy jump from our slowly moving van at the dance studio (TUCK AND ROLL! WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE) on the way there)
COOP:
MINNIE (running away)
I have always been curious about families with multiple children make things work, and clearly this is how: non-stop motion!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a seismic shift in how your lives run and of course you are all off kilter. Hopefully you will adjust and find a new rhythm. Big hugs to you.
NON STOP MOTION is exactly right. Some days, after I take a shower and sit on the couch, I realize it is the FIRST TIME ALL DAY that I have sat down (except when I am taxiing the kids).
DeleteOh--I've heard you acknowledge Ben as an amazing partner over the years :)!
ReplyDeleteSorry the new regimen is a bit rocky, but I think you'll rock it as you always seem to do!
Thanks for pointing that out :)
DeleteWe are in a similar bit of transition right now, minus kids. It turns out that while I joked that I didn't do anything during the day when I was unemployed except fill out job applications and go to interviews, I did do a lot. I emptied the dishwasher, did the errands, cleaned the house, and made sure that when my husband got home, he didn't have to do anything except maybe help me chop veggies for dinner. Now? Now it's mass chaos and I do not how we can get our evening schedules to be something other than a car crash. I honestly have no idea how you find time to do anything with the addition of children to the mix!
ReplyDeleteYES— all those little things that make the day and evening easier!! I miss that!
DeleteI didn't realize that Ben worked fully from home! I can see how essential that was for all those years to keep things running at home. I really cannot complain at all about the division of labor in our marriage. We both do quite a bit but Phil does slightly more than me since he cleans the house to avoid having to pay for a cleaner (which was can totally and easily afford but he can't bring himself to pay someone to clean up our mess...). But our careers are extremely similar except I travel 1-2 times/month so he does more week day solo parenting. But I have the kids on my own more on the weekend so he can do things like clean, mow the lawn, or get groceries. So all in all, we have a great partnership. I do have more of the mental load and there are things that get done that he doesn't really think about, like scheduling doctor and dentist appts. But overall, I think we are as close to equal in terms of division of labor as you can get.
ReplyDeleteYour partnership sounds ideal. Ben was home 2 days a week, and Minnie was home with him, and it was LOVELY. When the big kids were little, we were both academics and taught opposite days— that was the very best in terms of work life balance. Sigh.
DeleteI have had similar epiphanies, in which I realize that just because it feels like I DO EVERYTHING, I actually don't. There are so many things my husband and my boys just take care of, and often I don't even notice. And although many of those things are domestic related, like unloading the dishwasher or taking out the garbage, a lot of the things are big-ticket items that, if they didn't do them, would result in disaster. For example, changing the tires. Or cleaning out all the gutters so our old house didn't flood.
ReplyDeleteSame here, although the gendered nature of those tasks sort of bothers me. Like theirs are big, but not regularly occurring in the same way mine are, you know? At the same time, I did not get married to take out my own trash.
DeleteThis is hard. To have had Ben working from home and doing things that tended to fly under the radar is a tough adjustment. I say BETTER LATE THAN NEVER in the realizing that he pitches in more than you ever recognized, but dealing with the OH CRAP, I HAVE MORE TO DO is a tough reality to face. I think it took a few decades for Coach to pitch in at home more. He finally gets that just because I can do everything, it doesn't mean that I have to. It is nice to occasionally come home from the grocery store and find that he's cleaned a bathroom. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYes— it is hard to get used to doing more when I already have a ton on my plate.
DeleteYes, I can see how this would be big adjustment for you!!! Having one person working from home would be the dream- there's always someone there to accept a delivery or let the electrician in or close the windows when it rains... not to mention do any number of little chores you've probably taken for granted. My husband is a teacher so he'll be home for vacations, and it's SO NICE! Then when he goes back to school it's a little adjustment every time. Well, it's good you're fully appreciating your husband and the role he's played over the years! Good luck making this transition.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I am still home sometimes, but it was EVEN BETTER to have someone else there LOL
DeleteI work from home, and I get so much done while also working, it's great. I like not having all of the laundry and chores to deal with on weekends. Because I'm the one home, I do more of that stuff than my husband and daughter, but they are both great at pitching in if there's something that needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteOn my days home, I get WAY too into the house stuff. Ben was very good at striking a balance.
DeleteThe glass of wine for twenty minutes really solidifies for me how well you do it all, though.
ReplyDeleteMy husband travels for work a lot, and I was happy (ish) being home with the kids until a few years ago, but he always did a lot when he was home, even though he wasn't home during the day.
Five kids AND TWO WORKING PARENTS. And you're blogging every day. Have I mentioned that I'm kind of obsessed with you?
I am glad to hear you're such a good team. It sounds like a lot but you make it work!
ReplyDeleteWow this is a busy schedule. And so much driving and hopping off and running around. I am always amazed how this machinery works. I see my friend mom of three husteling but you have a few more.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds exhausting but it looks so fun when you share your stories.
This does sound like a LOT of transition for you. I have always been amazed at how much you do WHILE having 5 kids. I've been talking about this burden with a friend who works full-time out of the home and has 3 kids, thankfully her husband works from home but I don't know if the division of labor is quite as egalitarian. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteGood gracious. I have NO IDEA how you did it, or how you are doing it. And of course (OF COURSE) it's at we-want-our-faculty-to-lose-their-minds stage of the semester. OF COURSE.
ReplyDeleteGood news! They are finally wrapping up Univ. Ave construction! It looks like they have a bit more paving to do between Whole Foods and campus, but it's so much better already!!! (Not that that will help much with the traffic, but also, yay!)