Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Picking up some of the balls I dropped

Before the miscarriage, I was on top of my shit.  Remember when I posted about all of the shit I was doing simultaneously?  Ugh.  I hate old smug me.  I still haven't picked up all of the balls I dropped, either.  Part of this is because without a baby-imposed deadline, I have more time to prep my classes, and the urgency that was driving me is not there anymore.

Now? I am just not quite on my game.  I have even stopped reading books.  I have a shelf full of overdue library books and keep staring at my phone during free time, which is actually just time I should be doing other things. I might need to go on a technology diet.  Seriously, I am so spacey and sluggish.

Case in point:  Ben called to chat while I was taking the little kids to school yesterday, and he said casually, "Oh, you should have made plans to  bring Jack's birthday snacks to school today."  I was like OH SHIT because I did in fact make plans to take Jack's birthday treats to school.  Before break.  Which I apparently FORGOT ALL ABOUT.  I thought about just getting donuts of a DQ cake, which is what most kids with working parents bring.  But then I was like no I am not just a working parent, I am also an overachiever with fucked up self confidence issues, so Dorothy and I ran to the nearest store (Wal Mart-- I HATE Wal Mart) and bought horrible things like Crisco.
 Then we ran home as fast as we could and slapped together these Cubs cakes to deliver to school.  I didn't even let them dry before I frosted them because that's how I live my life these days.  GAH.
 Jack is really into his art.
I am completely in love with this nude of Dorothy
But!  All of this is fluff because I really want to talk about the Whole30.  I did it religiously in February even though I was PREGNANT, and I loved it and didn't even think about cheating (fantasized about it, maybe).  But this time?  Or, I should say LAST TIME since I had to start over today?  I just can't keep my shit together.  Like, I will do OK for breakfast and lunch and then fall apart.  Or I will not even try, like this past weekend when I ate Twizzler after Twizzler in the car and and drank EVERYDAY.

The thing is, I can't figure out WHY.  Any insights?  According to Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies, I am an upholder, which means I meet internal and external expectations.  Do I just not WANT to do Whole 30?  So it's not an internal expectation?  I have an accountability group to help hold me to external expectations, but usually, I can do things that matter to me without the support of others.  And I LIKED the diet.  I LIKED eating so many servings of veggies, and I liked losing weight.  It's so frustrating.

I got back on the horse yesterday (and then ate 3 Reese's PB cups (minis) that I brought to my staff meeting), and plan to do the Whole26, stopping on my first annual 39th birthday.  I think I want to succeed, so what gives?


Holly Sisk said...

Could being on the Whole30 be a reminder of the pregnancy?

abby said...

Don't count out the fact that you were pregnant and still have all the mess that those hormones cause. That added on top of having a miscarriage was really rough for me. I would recommend talking with your doctor if you still feel in a rut. Don't write it off as just being off a bit.

Jimy said...

Well you are surely a brave lady, miscarriage is a thing which shatters you apart. It will take time but you will pick it up

mp said...

Agree with the other posters. Go easy on yourself, it takes a while. And yours was rough. Also - there is a lot of Easter candy around right now!