Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Picking up some of the balls I dropped

Before the miscarriage, I was on top of my shit.  Remember when I posted about all of the shit I was doing simultaneously?  Ugh.  I hate old smug me.  I still haven't picked up all of the balls I dropped, either.  Part of this is because without a baby-imposed deadline, I have more time to prep my classes, and the urgency that was driving me is not there anymore.

Now? I am just not quite on my game.  I have even stopped reading books.  I have a shelf full of overdue library books and keep staring at my phone during free time, which is actually just time I should be doing other things. I might need to go on a technology diet.  Seriously, I am so spacey and sluggish.

Case in point:  Ben called to chat while I was taking the little kids to school yesterday, and he said casually, "Oh, you should have made plans to  bring Jack's birthday snacks to school today."  I was like OH SHIT because I did in fact make plans to take Jack's birthday treats to school.  Before break.  Which I apparently FORGOT ALL ABOUT.  I thought about just getting donuts of a DQ cake, which is what most kids with working parents bring.  But then I was like no I am not just a working parent, I am also an overachiever with fucked up self confidence issues, so Dorothy and I ran to the nearest store (Wal Mart-- I HATE Wal Mart) and bought horrible things like Crisco.
 Then we ran home as fast as we could and slapped together these Cubs cakes to deliver to school.  I didn't even let them dry before I frosted them because that's how I live my life these days.  GAH.
 Jack is really into his art.
I am completely in love with this nude of Dorothy
But!  All of this is fluff because I really want to talk about the Whole30.  I did it religiously in February even though I was PREGNANT, and I loved it and didn't even think about cheating (fantasized about it, maybe).  But this time?  Or, I should say LAST TIME since I had to start over today?  I just can't keep my shit together.  Like, I will do OK for breakfast and lunch and then fall apart.  Or I will not even try, like this past weekend when I ate Twizzler after Twizzler in the car and and drank EVERYDAY.

The thing is, I can't figure out WHY.  Any insights?  According to Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies, I am an upholder, which means I meet internal and external expectations.  Do I just not WANT to do Whole 30?  So it's not an internal expectation?  I have an accountability group to help hold me to external expectations, but usually, I can do things that matter to me without the support of others.  And I LIKED the diet.  I LIKED eating so many servings of veggies, and I liked losing weight.  It's so frustrating.

I got back on the horse yesterday (and then ate 3 Reese's PB cups (minis) that I brought to my staff meeting), and plan to do the Whole26, stopping on my first annual 39th birthday.  I think I want to succeed, so what gives?


  1. Could being on the Whole30 be a reminder of the pregnancy?

  2. Don't count out the fact that you were pregnant and still have all the mess that those hormones cause. That added on top of having a miscarriage was really rough for me. I would recommend talking with your doctor if you still feel in a rut. Don't write it off as just being off a bit.

  3. Well you are surely a brave lady, miscarriage is a thing which shatters you apart. It will take time but you will pick it up

  4. Agree with the other posters. Go easy on yourself, it takes a while. And yours was rough. Also - there is a lot of Easter candy around right now!