Thursday, December 15, 2022

Anyone else have this new kind of mom guilt?

 I felt so guilty at The Little Gym this week because lots of babies had green snot coming out of their face holes, and many oft hem were coughing. I thought why did I bring Minnie to this cesspool? and It is totally going to be my fault when she gets sick.

Pre-COVID I don't think I would have even noticed the extra snot, sniffles and coughs. If a kiddo got sick after baby gym, it never would have occurred to me to blame myself or my parenting choices. What a crappy side effect of the panny, huh?

Our gym mornings are probably worth the extra germs:







Another thing that has changed for me: thinking how crowded a place is going to be before I decide to go there. Cooper has a midweek hockey tournament at his rink called The Candy Cane Cup where kids play a round robin in teams of 5 as a fundraiser. There are raffle prizes and lots of food for sale, and it's a fun time. A fun time that in Before Times I would have attended with whatever kids were home with me. I would have fed them crappy rink food and let them sit on the gross hockey lobby floor to eat it, and I wouldn't have thought twice about any of it-- the crowd, the germs, the general hockey rink dirt, the fact that it's cold and flu season, etc. In 2022, though, Ben and I talked through the logistics and thought about where the girls would actually be eating and how close we'd be to other spectators, and we decided to skip it, even though that means another night of making food for just kids and solo parenting through baby bedtime.

I think a lot of these things would be easier to negotiate if Minnie were in daycare. She'd already be exposed to all of the things and I wouldn't think of her attendance as a choice, you know? But since she stays home, her extracurriculars feel like unnecessary germ exposures, and I am loathe to take her to crowded dirty places or even really restaurants because she isn't getting exposure elsewhere, and  I have this weird idea that I can keep her "safe," which is a really strange frame. Even though the other kids are in school, I also think about their exposure to even the flu more than I would have before COVID, and being around other people who might be sick factors into decisions about activities in ways it never did before.

Ugh. Just when I thought things were normal again, I realize that I am still using COVID times judgment, and mom guilt has a whole new facet. Neat.

(Also, why do people go places when they are sick? WHY WHY WHY?)

12 comments:

  1. Anonymous7:28 AM

    Our kids have always been in daycare so I don’t have this feeling, but I know my sister who is a SAHM does! Our kids have had so many viruses but I figure it’s part of developing a healthy immune system and it either happens now or when they go to elementary school. The runny nose thing is tough because our toddlers generally have had runny noses for months! So if I didn’t take them places when they have a runny nose, we would be stuck inside for months at a time! But I would never take my kids anywhere if they were at the start of an illness/contagious. I am looking forward to our youngest hitting 2.5. That is when we saw a huge improvement in the number of illnesses. The first years of daycare are so brutal. Both of our kids ended up with tubes from multiple ear infections. But we love our daycare so the benefits of it offset the crummy illnesses we deal with!! (This is Lisa from Lisa’s Yarns)

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    1. I agree that it's great to get the exposure early, and I have no doubt that when Minnie starts preschool next year (WHAT?), she will build those immunities LOL

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  2. Yes, I have this. I feel like things I took for granted before (sports, school, birthday parties) now come with all sorts of risk/reward calculations. On the one hand, I do think there is some immune benefit to being exposed to germs (for my healthy child, who is not immunocompromised and has no comorbidities)? But also I feel acutely aware of all the opportunities for her to get sick. Ugh. Is this better than how we lived before? I don't know.

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    1. I don't think it's better than before. I really miss being carefree about a cold and sending the kids into seriously germy situations without a second thought.

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  3. Ashley G.8:20 AM

    Thank you for articulating this so well. I 100% have this whole new mom guilt. I was a bit of a germaphobe in the before times, so you can imagine. Also, my kids have been in daycare (1 still is) and I STILL do all of these risk calculations before every.single.thing. We still do most activities as I logically know that limiting fun indefinitely is also not an answer (at least not a good one for any type of mental health), but it adds this extra layer of misery/guilt/anxiety to literally everything. My kids are healthy, so I'm probably being a tad irrational (or, you know, totally), but knowing that doesn't really help? My oldest is also home with the flu, so it clearly doesn't really matter. Just ugh. All that to say, I feel you.

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    1. The mental health calculation!! It's GOT to be part of the equation but is so much harder to account for.

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  4. Anonymous5:38 PM

    I run through the same calculations about crowds and exposure as a mother. You’re not alone. You’re being strategic. Nothing wrong with that.

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  5. Yes to just about everything said above! It is a whole new layer of not only guilt, but constant mental reasoning. Weighing pros/cons and also this constant uncertainty. Is this a sickness? What am I willing to miss, in hopes of avoiding stuff.
    For example, tonight was the elementary school concert - the first since 2019. So TONS of small kids, and tons of parents. With lots of singing. I thought about how we were all surely going to catch one of the many bugs going around and debated staying home. BUT, my kids go to school everyday and could easily get it from a classmate during the regular day.
    We went, but even on our way home, I thought: if we all end up barfing Christmas Day...
    But 2.5 years ago, this wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

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    1. I miss little kid concerts SO MUCH. Our district is not doing them, and there's a void in my life for sure.

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  6. I don't have kids, so I don't have mom guilt, but I do the mental gymnastics every time I want to go somewhere... obviously, I am only worried about myself and don't have to take a kids' development/social interactions, etc. into account, so I am sure you guys have a much harder time making all these decisions. Unfortunately I don't think that will go away any time soon.

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    1. I think adult mental health has to come into play, too. We have couple friends that we do month;y dinners out with, and we are always second guessing it.

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