Friday, December 16, 2016

Too much coffee, friends

It is so cold here that I want to move away and never come back.  I think Beatrix feels the same way because she can't even bring herself to go outside to pee and is instead soaking the carpet whenever she gets the chance.  Unlike me-- because I am trapped by a house and a condo and a job-- Beatrix might get her wish to move away and never come back if she can't stop peeing on my fucking floors.  (Not really. I am not a monster.  But I AM sick of stepping in a warm circle of dog pee.)

In high school, I went to the Bradley University speech camp where I met the love of my life and the people who are still my friends and mentors-- and I was only 14 (ish)!  SO be careful where you send your kids to summer camp because it could write the entire script of their lives.  But!  My point is that I  wrote a speech about how this crazy new thing called the Internet was going to ruin humanity.  I focused on the life of a hypothetical guy named Seymour Sega (HA!) who spent his whole life in front of the screen and did super imaginative, unthinkable things like grocery shop and buy plane tickets ON THE INTERNET and never had to see another person and got depressed and fat with carpal tunnel syndrome.  In 1993 (1992? I don't remember-- let's just say the first half of the Clinton years) this was not a way the average person could actually live.  But today-- I shop for most things without pants on BECAUSE I CAN.  And I am actually kind of fat.  And lots of people have carpal tunnel.  And there are a million articles about the dangers of SITTING all day.  So, basically, my speech was totally prescient.  I mean, we have to look NO FURTHER than the 2016 election and the disgusting Twitter feed of the PEOTUS to see that HUMANITY IS IN RUINS.  I don't know why I bring this up except to say I love my Seymour Sega life even though I see now that it's ruining the world (which is the same thing I said in 1992/3/or 4, but then, like now, I had no good solutions.  This was a particularly bad thing then because 1/3 of the speech was supposed to focus on solution.  And now it is a particularly bad thing because the Internet does not just mean you can buy lots of shit in your jammies, it also means that we have no idea who to listen to or what facts mean anymore.  Damn.  I did place 6th in the nation that year with that speech entered in the expository category, meaning I cut out the solution step and just stood there saying, "Wow-- this is how we are going to live our lives in the future.  Hope it doesn't suck."  Spoiler alert:  It's great for the multi-tasking, middle-class mom, but it has turned out to SUCK BIGLY for the human race.  SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO 14-ish-year-old me, AMERICA).

I made half-caf this morning, and it's gone straight to my head.  Obvi.

Dorothy is finally not sick anymore, but she has a horrible cough that has given her the most charming Bea Arthur voice.  We will basically do anything she asks because it;s awesome to have a 3 year-old who sounds like Elaine Stritch.

 We are supposed to get snow tonight and tomorrow-- LOTS-- so my usual Thursday on-the-way-home-from-work milk and yogurt and eggs and butter and wine Trader Joe's trip became a $250 BUY EVERYTHING frenzy.
 This is the first time since the election that I have had the will to make chocolate chip cookies.  And I ate so much dough that I had to make teeny weeny little cookies.
 After they got dressed this morning, they payed multiplication war, and it was too cute.
I say after they got dressed like it was just this thing that happened naturally, but actually, I have to go downstairs with them and stand there while they pick out clothes and brush their teeth, etc, or else they turn on the TV and stand around slack jawed until the tardy bell rings.  I also use that time to clean their room and wipe pee off their toilet, so it's productive for all of us.  Eye roll.

Dorothy, A PERSON WHO WEARS BUNNY EARS YEAR-ROUND, looked at my totally normal and mom-like yoga pants and sweatshirt this morning and said, "Huh.  Is those your clothes?"

Also, have you every put on a sweatshirt that used to be big enough to wear with leggings and noticed that your fat stomach is taking up all of it suddenly?  Yeah.  Me either.  But that must really suck.

1 comment:

  1. It's very unusual for a house trained dog to suddenly start peeing all over the house. I know you're tired of having sick kids, but I think the 4 legged one needs a trip to the Vet. As I write that I feel like I've read somewhere that Beatrix had been sick lately. Right? I could be wrong. My memory went with my waist.