Tuesday, March 12, 2024

In my menopause era. Officially.

 Unremarkable uterus and ovaries, is what the ultrasound results say. That’s GOOD news. 


Coupled with the note attached to my FSH results from a couple of weeks ago, it means MENOPAUSE, and this makes me feel like so much is over.


Not that I was going to have more babies. (The time for more babies was between Dorothy and Minnie, but I am pretty sure Minnie was the last egg).


On the becoming/being spectrum, I’m inching closer to has been in every way every day.


I had the ultrasound in the same place I had all my first ultrasounds, the five joyful ones and the baby who wasn’t, really. Driving there, empty, I remembered driving there for the first time to see what would be baby Harry, a little blurry gummy bear. The street names that I was anxiously looking for because I was driving in an unfamiliar part of town. The basement of the clinic that’s so silent and mauve. A waiting room full of glowing people anticipating a look at the potential their bodies are cradling or faded older folks who look both bored and anxious.


I was in the second group today, of course.


A kind, efficient tech who didn’t angle the screen toward me or turn on the wall-mounted monitor. “Nobody cute peeking out at you,” she said in her Wisconsin accent. Warm jelly on my belly and cold sterile jelly for the internal probe. The woosh woosh sound when she measured blood flow in my ovaries, but no galloping baby heart. Again. Ever.


I can buy really expensive underwear now. Clean out pads, tampons, ovulation strips, pregnancy tests taking up space under my bathroom sink. Throw away condoms for good.


We called our parents immediately after that first ultrasound with Harry to tell them about our squirmy little magic bundle of cells– 8 weeks pregnant, we gushed. I remember how happy my parents were, and how my dad laughed and laughed and said he just knew it was a boy.


After this ultrasound, I went to a coffee shop to do some work and walked in to see a brand new grandma and her daughter with a teeny baby just starting to hold his little head up and look with those alien navy blue newborn eyes at the world moving around him. 


An old man in a Vietnam vet baseball cap is having breakfast with his daughter at the table in front of me.


These are signs, right? That my world is as unremarkable as my ovaries and uterus, resonant glimpses to shush the what-ifs.


My second act is going to be to get rich inventing an estrogen soak– basically the fountain of youth in hormone form– how hard can that be? cue image of Gargamel chasing Smurfs

 



22 comments:

  1. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  2. so . . . does the PMS mood roller coaster stop when you have reached this era? asking for a friend . . .

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    1. um-- it's more like PERPETUAL menstrual syndrome fr me

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  3. This was very moving, Sarah. Also - wow, are you done periods, like done done? I have been in perimenopause for years and still get a light period on the regular. I have to say that after J was born I was DONE DONE DONE on the baby front so I never longed for more, which means that emotionally, hurtling toward Crone Status hasn't bothered me in that way. But I feel that it might be bothering you to be Closed For Business? I don't know if I'm right on that, but I'm feeling it in this post, pretty underwear or no pretty underwear. Anyway, sending love your way.

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    1. I had a 91-day cycle, then a weird 3 day period on Vday and nothing since...

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  4. I hope you do buy yourself fancy, expensive undies, Sarah! I hope you celebrate the wonderful work Ms. Ute has done in delivering all your beautiful babies while being "unremarkable." Personally speaking, there's something SO liberating about not being beholden to arbitrary mood swings and systemic misbehaviors (which always seemed very much in the "body horror" genre).

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  5. Anonymous11:19 AM

    You perfectly summed up all my thoughts and emotions. Nobody shares this side of the ultrasound procedure. Thanks for keeping it real (and raw!)….can’t wait to be the first to try out that estrogen soak….

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  6. This is so relatable. I took Curly to the dermatologist this week and the doc talked about birth control for acne issues. She asked if anyone had a lot of miscarriages. Well, dang. That was tough to answer with Curly sitting there, because she didn't know. Anyway, it spurred a chat on the way home, about what a little blessing she was/is. I told her all about the many ultrasounds I made the doc give me during the early weeks of her pregnancy, because I couldn't believe it.

    You really summed up the feels for the ultrasound visits of days gone by. It is hard to close that chapter, even when you know it's closed. Also, I didn't have an ultrasound in order to learn that I was in menopause. Is that a thing? Did I miss a step? ;)

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    1. I was just anxious because my periods went away

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  7. There's a really good Rich Roll podcast episode about menopause and women's health with Dr. Lisa Mosconi in case you're interested! All about the mental and physical aspects of this phase of life.
    I know... it's hard to feel like a phase of life is over. But I don't miss having a period one little bit! There are new health concerns of course, but it sounds like you're on top of it. I'll take that estrogen soak!!!

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    1. ooooh- I will listen-- thanks for the rec

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  8. This is a ways off for me as I'm 43 and still getting fairly regular periods although they are different - heavier and I can bleed for up to 10 days. Super fun. But I am SO DONE HAVING KIDS that I don't feel any sadness about that aspect? I had to have an ultrasound done last fall to make sure I didn't have polyps again and the tech comments on all the follicles I had and how I am clearly still in a fertile stage of life. It made me very glad that Phil got snipped after Taco was born!

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    1. I definitely do not want a surprise almost-50 baby-- but it's still a bummer

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  9. Right in the feels. I am 42 and gave birth just 4 years ago and I am already approaching perimenopause. There is like no break... Postpartum anxiety, straight into peri- mood swings. Ugh.

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    1. that's how it was for me-- from a baby to menopause!!

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  10. I'm glad you're talking about this, friend. It's a side of menopause that isn't talked about - maybe because most women feel DONE by the time it hits? IDK. But I think you should feel ALL the feelings about this chapter of your life being over. And soon, you'll be able to bask in the goodness that comes with NO MORE PERIODS.

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  11. As someone without kids - or a partner - my perspective on all of this is so different. I really appreciate you sharing yours, as it makes me realize (AGAIN) how everyone's path is different. Thanks for taking us with you on yours. <3

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  12. Oof. The whole circle of life thing. I find that I am looking forward to being a grandma, and loving holding other people's tiny babies while feeling wise and calm, but I am NOT looking forward to menopause in a way that feels very off-brand for me. Like I like the choice, but not the choice being made for me. Can't wait for the estrogen soak

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