The Lazy Parent's Guide to Potty Training by Ben and Sarah

This is a no-fuss, success-guaranteed method.

1. Wait until your child is past 3 and shits like a man in his pants. (This step really sets the mood). Like really gross. Like think of your dad taking a shit. Now think of your dad taking a shit as a three-year-old. Disgusting right?

2. Wait until your man-shitting 3 year-old approaches you and says, "Me wear underwear." (Better this than the 8-year-old pants- shitter right?)

3. Put child in underwear. Preferably licensed character underwear.

4. Wait. Watch. Make child feel uncomfortable.

5. Reward child with awkward amount of presents upon completion of BM.

6. If child makes an accident on floor, put face in it. JOKING, DO NOT COMPLETE #6 UNLESS PANTS-SHITTER IS A DOG. In which case, there shouldn't be any pants involved.

7. Child should be using the toilet now. Child should also have an awkwardly high level of self esteem because of the weird praise you've provided for poop and pee.

AND THAT'S IT!

Monday

Bang trim.

Coffee shop with laptop.

Mid-day Costco run.

Burgers on the grill.

New house stalking.

Park jumping.

Raaaar

I spent a really stupid amount of time trying to figure out the Bluetooth in my car today. I got it, finally, but apparently I don't enunciate very well because the weird phone set-up robot lady always asks "Pardon?" Now I need to figure out how to sync my address book because right now I have to dial by number, and I end up screaming (garbled, apparently) numbers at the phone robot lady for way too long. I am sure that all of this is way less distracting than just talking on the damn phone while I drive.

I took Harry to a birthday party at a park today, and I was worried that it was going to be a parallel parking situation, but thankfully the park had a parking lot. I love my van, but I don't think I have reached the point (will ever reach the point) where I will be able to place it neatly between 2 other cars.

The party was super fun-- all the kids and parents know each other by now. The food was great; the not pregnant parents drank beer in the sun which is the best way to drink beer. The birthday cake was the best ever (the dad is a baker), and the entertainment trifecta (caricature artist, face painter, and balloon sculptor) kept the kiddies busy. It was exactly the kind of party I have been begging Harry to have for his b-day. But no. We have invited 2 dozen kids to Chuck E. Cheese's. Pray for me.

Here's Harry a few hours after the party modeling his smudgy lion face with gusto:

Swagger Wagon

Truth be told, Harry would have been happy with any car that has XM radio because now he doesn't have to stop listening to radio Disney. Ever. (I am actually happy with XM, too, because I love listening to MSNBC in the car. When I only listen to Air America, I find myself nodding in agreement but increasingly out of touch with the rest of middle America. Srsly, the Walker victory totally shocked me-- people like republicans? Here? In my state? Oh, yeah. I live in a red state. My bad.).

I really like that I can plug my iPod in with a USB instead of just an auxiliary cord and scroll through my songs with the controls on my steering wheel. Helps make being the kids' personal DJ a little easier. The Bluetooth is good, too, because I don't have to mess with my headphones when I want to make a call. The backup camera is good for me, since I generally suck at backing up, and I am so glad to have my own damn armrest when I am riding with my husband the arm rest hog.

But really, all the things I love most are things I'd love about any new car, since my 3 y/o Camry was just a liiiiiittle to old to have cool stuff come standard.

Jack likes being in his very own row; Harry digs the way-back, and Ben has been itching to drive a minivan since Harry was a plus sign on a pee-stick. None of us likes the whole 18 miles-to-the-gallon thing, but options for hauling 3 kids are surprisingly limited. I wanted an SUV or a crossover since my mileage was going to be crap anyway, but the 3rd row in most of those cars ate up all the cargo room, and the ones with a 2nd row bench that could fit 3 kids across seemed to spell head injury for the new baby crammed in the middle. When our parents come to town, it will be handy not to have to caravan everywhere we go, too, and I will never again have to wedge myself between 2 car seats in order to fit a extra passenger.

We brought the kids and our iPads loaded up with movies for them (because I don't want a TV in my car, but I'll have one very other damn place I go), and we bought it in 3 hours from start to finish-- a car-buying record for sure. But we have been trolling car lots for months, and we were dead set on the Sienna when we left on the Camry's last ride. Plus we're a Toyota family (our last 5 cars have been Toyotas), so my Acadia flirtation was bound to pass (but srsly, that car is AWESOME, and I have my sights set on it for next time when we are down a car seat). WHat can I say? We are loyal to a dealership with awesome snacks and playrooms. Priorities.

Just so you know, Harry is definitely watching the Justin Beiber documentary in this picture

Harry got to ring the happy-new-car-day gong, and he did it with gusto

All Jack wanted to do was jump in showroom cars and drive them. I was happy to let him, until they brought our car around, and then I was all, "Hey man, be careful with my new ride."

Jack patiently waited for us to be oriented to our new car. And I should have paid better attention instead of taking pictures because we sat outside for 10 minutes trying to figure out how to make radio Disney only play in the back of the car for the love of all that is good and holy.

Harry was levitating with excitement.

Lots of room

Ahh, an inaugural car nap during which Ben and I drove around our new neighborhood and complained about people having untidy porches. We're awesome neighbors.

I wore gym clothes because we were picking the car up on our way to the gym at 9 this morning (we did the actual buying yesterday), but one thing led to another, and after the gym we went to lunch and the the grocery store and now it is 2:30, and I am still in my gym clothes-- does this ever happen to you?)

Also, it does not fit in our current garage, so keep your fingers crossed for no hail for the next month or so, kay?

Potty Talk

Jack peed and pooped on the potty all day today. It was great. When he needs to go to the bathroom, he stops what he's doing and says, "Me have that feeling." It's pretty cute.

Oh! I have reached an unfortunate pregnancy stage where my clothes are starting to get too small, and today the seams of my mom-pris were digging into my thighs painfully. These next 15 weeks are going to be so, so glamorous.

Ahhh, summer break.

We began our day by taking Harry to school, and he was sooooo excited to go because not only did the whole school gather in the music room to sing special songs for the chef (it was Chef Tom day apparently), but his class went on a field trip to a pet store today (where they ate lunch, which I find mildly disgusting) . Jack went with Ben and me to Panera for second breakfast and then to the children's hospital to meet with the pediatric ENT to whom we were referred after Jack's last check up when our doctor marveled at the size of his tonsils and speculated that he probably also had the world's biggest adenoids.

The ENT thought we probably would be very happy with the results if we had Jack's tonsils and adenoids removed, but he said that since Jack's only symptoms of distress are mouth breathing, snoring, and a constantly runny nose (because the snot doesn't have room to drain anywhere else), we don't HAVE to go for surgery. So we're not. For now. Jack, by the way, had no clue how close he came to going under the knife.

(Oh! The doctor also asked up if he'd ever had any food or eating issues, and we were stunned! We thought he had oral sensory issues, but he probably just couldn't figure out how to breathe and chew at the same time when he was little. Poor guy. I wonder of his adenoid issue is also why he hates the water-- maybe he can't handle water all up in his cavities.)

After that, we took J back to school, and hit the golf course. After a leisurely 9, we had lunch at our favorite greasy spoon and went home to relax before meeting our realtor to discuss a sales plan for the next 60-90 days.

Summer is the best.

Assorted

Oh, swim lessons.

I have thrown in the towel.

We all 4 went to the pool today, and Jack talked a good game about getting in the water,, but as soon as we entered the pool area, he burst into hysterical tears. He and Ben ended up sitting on the edge of the pool (nowhere NEAR swim lessons) while I swam in the (kind of disgusting, if you really want to know the truth) water and tried to entice Jack into swimming with me. He screamed and scooted backwards every time I got near him.

So.

I don't want to waste my pool membership this summer (oh! the horror!), so I am going to be optimistic and hope that he likes swimming outside this year as much as he did last year. Otherwise, I am going to the pool when he and Harry are at preschool or when Ben is home. (Which? Between the 2 of those things? Means I can still go everyday).

Have I mentioned that the kids will maintain their 3 day a week preschool schedule all summer? They will! And I am SO EXCITED. Ben teaches twice a week in June and July, so I will never be hugely pregnant and alone with both kiddos. Hurray! ANd I teach 4 days a week for 4 weeks and then? No more teaching until late January. Crazy.

In the fall, though, things are getting dicey. Harry is in kindergarten 5 full days a week (all kindergarten is full-day here-- is that weird? What's it like where you live?), and Jack will do 5 mornings of preschool (just 2.5 hours a day), and the baby will be home with Ben and/or me. Lots of kid-time in our future, huh?

These guys are already acting like teeny teenagers. Sometime after breakfast they borrowed our phones and retreated to their room, where they played quietly for a really long time before it occurred to us that we should maybe check on them. The AAP would totally count this as screen time, huh?