The last month of summer so far.

Con: I have only blogged 3 times in August
Pro: I have read T W E N T Y books in 20 days.  Think they're related?

After a million emails from the kids' school, I finally registered them for class.  FINALLY.  School starts in 2 weeks (15 days fr me and Harry) and I have to say, I AM GOING TO MISS SUMMER.

I am starting 30 days of yoga AND a Whole30 on 9/1.  ANYBODY WITH ME?  So, I am also going to miss food and booze.

I signed up fro a Snap Chat class at the library today.  I AM THE OLDEST EVER.  But!  All the kids are doing it.  (Like, literally.  And I have to watch my children on the online, too).

Hey!  We went to Starbucks!

I have been spending my work time super productively with a trip to my office to hang pictures.

In my spare time, I take selfies at the pool.

Also there is badminton.

Just a couple of best friends watching TV

 Can you even believe she does her own makeup?

 Oh that?  THAT'S A FRIOG IN MY KITCHEN

 The Dora movie!  Loved it!

 Going to my office to help me organize.  SO HELPFUL.

 See?!?!

 Yay State Street!

 I am trying to ease into Whole30

 SUMMER.  PLEASE STAY FOREVER.

 Pizza nights at the pool are numbered.  Which is good because my butt is literally bigger everyday.

 New door art for a new school year!

 New trim!

 New 'do!

 Literally the best brownie frosting ever in the world.

 Just a quick trip to the grocery store.

 K O N A  I C E!

 Best brownies ever.

 A couple of girls at the pool

 Appetizer spread.

 Dinner party activity: coloring on the table cloth

 Ahhhhhhhhhh.

 So cute!  So cozy!

And there you have it: our last month of summer so far.

Grief, about 4 months out

Ugh, you guys.  I really missed my dad on vacation, which is so weird because we never took beach vacations when I was a kid, and my parents only came with us to Hilton Head once.  And they didn't even like it that much!  I have way more memories of just me and Ben and the kids in Hilton Head than I do with my parents.  But still.  I found myself feeling sad when before I have only been happy-- or generally annoyed with my family, because that's the reality of taking kids on vacation. 

Grief, man.  It's a slog.

My dad died a little less than 4 months ago, and all of the things people said right after it happened are true.  Grief does get different as it progresses-- not better, exactly, but more comfortable.  When I wake up in the morning, I already remember, and I don't have those few seconds of freedom followed by a horrifying realization. The realization doesn't take my breath away because it's already there. Sometimes I am not actively thinking about my dad being gone, so that's a nice change, but I always know that something-- someone-- is missing. I still cry out of nowhere and am triggered by unexpected things, but not as often.  When I have an acute grief spell, tough, it's more severe than before when I was weepy all the time.

I used to talk to my dad on the phone almost everyday.  He was a great person to call when I bored or driving, and I always answered the phone when he called me because it was fun to talk to him.  I only have one voicemail saved on my phone because I usually talked to him when he called.  The voicemail came when I was at acupuncture and had my ringer off, and it makes me sad because I remember rushing him off the phone a few days before that call when I was on my way into acupuncture.  As much as I love it, I would for sure go back and talk longer, letting the appointment slide if I could do that day over again.

But that-- the idea that I could go back and change anything-- is not a good way to think when someone you love dies. Because that's the really terrible part about death, right?  The enormity.  The finality.  The irrevocability. 

The weekend before my dad died,  I remember suddenly not feeing worried about his upcoming surgery anymore.  I was sitting on the porch off my parents' kitchen talking about it with my mom and dad, and we were all worried. In the course of that conversation, though, the idea that my dad-- the guy sitting next to me in the same chair I had seen him sit in a million times before-- would somehow not be in that chair the next time I came to Pekin?  Seemed preposterous. I was all at once sure everything would turn out just fine.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

When my dad came out of surgery OK and walked around the ICU and ate sherbet and started on oral pain meds, I relaxed right away.  See, I told myself, I knew it!  I wonder if he will be well enough or the kids to stay overnight after camp in July, so Ben and I can have a night out?  If they'll want us to come to town for my birthday and Mother's Day?  I bet we'll all be having $3 bloody Mary's at the Marigold parade in September, and this will all be a memory.

And then that awful phone call.  Thursday, April 25, at 9pm.  That terrible hour of not knowing what exactly was happening, even though, deep down, we all knew exactly what was happening.  And then 9:59, that other, more awful call.  And then this.  A world that seems totally normal but can't ever be again because my dad's not here.

My dad's dad died when I was in college.  My mom's dad died a few days after Cooper was born.  I thought we had more time.

Easter was the only holiday we spent together with everyone thinking that it could maybe be the last.  We were so nice to each other! The kids were well behaved at dinner and at Easter brunch.  We all had the presence of mind to enjoy being together, to remember what it felt like, all of us around a table.

Ben joined the Elks Club, and I cried because my dad would have loved the restaurant and bar there.  Near the end of the school year, one of the boys forgot to take their meds before school and got in trouble for climbing over the bathroom stall, and I picked up my phone to call him.  My dad loved to hear about the hell they raised when they forgot their pills-- reminded him of his own childhood, I think.  The thought of Jack starting middle school makes me weepy because it's the first kid milestone my dad will miss, and there are so many more rolling out in front of us.

In the course of coming up with a memorial plaque for my dad, we read so many poems about death, trying to find the perfect words to sum up what we're feeling.  Nothing was exactly right, and I should have been prepared for that because I performed part of the play Zelda by William Luce in college.  That play credits Zelda Fitzgerald with the line, "No one, not even the poets, can measure how much a heart can hold."

I liked Dylan Thomas because I wish my dad had raged a little more at the dying of the light. 

Or this from "Song of Myself": "Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, Missing me one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you."

Or even Neruda's "So I wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me."

We read so many sad things, and nothing seemed sad enough because this grief is just a part of our lives.  There's nothing remarkable about it. We're not special. Everyone will feel this way because, of course, none of us is getting out alive.  Ugh.  I totally get it now.

Jon and my dad walking last summer in the Sea Pines forest preserve

The bench we got for my dad at the park in Pekin where we'd always take the kids to play.  It faces the river, and Jon wrote the plaque inscription:
In memory of Gary R. Meinen.
He built his life with love, generosity, and devotion. 
We miss him every day.

Hilton Head 2019

It was a week of donuts!

 And selfies!

 And Instagram filters.

 And selfies WITH Instagram filters.

 We left on Friday, August 2, and drove all the darn way to Knoxville, TN, where we stayed at an Embassy Suites that the kids really like. Our drive was uneventful (Pleasant, even! I read 5 books!  The kids watched 3 movies!  The iPads got a workout!) except for the last 2 hours, which were terrifying. Rain, fog, thunder-- all in the mountains. Yikes.

At the hotel, we had drinks, dinner, and time for general relaxation.

 There was even a hotel breakfast buffet (the kids' favorite!) with a waffle station (even favoriter). And then!  Back in the car for another 6 hour drive that took about 10 hours because construction and traffic.  Gah.

 Such a pretty drive, though!

 AUGHHHHH!  TUNNELS THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS!  So clausty!

And then!  Finally!

FINALLY!

I thought this picture of the 3 boys was perfect

 Especially when you look at it next to this picture from 2012

I love how quickly we fall into a vacation routine in Hilton Head. We did breakfast at home (most days), and the kids generally ate on the deck.

 AND WHY WOULDN'T THEY????

 Another thing they loved to do was take bubble baths in their swimsuits in the jetted tub in our bathroom.  Because even though they can now keep their stuff together at restaurants, they are still babies!

 This is my very favorite view.  the moment you pass the showers at the Sea Pines Beach Club and see your first glimpse of umbrellas and water.

 YAY!  Beach!

 Dorothy and Cooper were way into drip castles this trip, and I was way into making everyone including me wear a long sleeved rash guard.  Not the awesomest beach look (for me-- the kids looked totally fine) but so much less sunscreen!

 Castles all day.

 Having a mid-day snack at our chairs.

 We even road the trolley from the beach to the pool, much to the kids' delight.

 Wait-- one more first-day beach shot: these monster feet walking things.  A huge hit with Dorothy and jack all trip-- thanks, Target dollar spot.

 MOAR BEACH on day 2. I also debuted my new ModCloth swim suit that I really wish I had sized up in, to be honest.

 Dorothy seriously adores sand.  It is a whole-body sensory thing for her, and she was happy playing on the beach for HOURS,

 Quick shot before the beach got silly crowded.

 Dorothy, pausing for lunch.

 Our happy beach lunch spot.  We ate sandwiches from our very favorite little sandwich shop EVERY DAY.  Ben and I tried to eat the menu, but, alas, we didn't make it all the way through.  THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT SUMMER.  Also Dorothy hated it and made me pack her a peanut butter sandwich, applesauce, chips, and animal crackers everyday, which was pretty cute.

 We got a bunch of pool floats at Aldi before we left town, and they were a huge it at the pool and the beach

 It rained a couple times at night, so after dinner, we had movie nights in our little living room.  The best selection was-- hands down-- Summer Rental, which is still hilarious, and you should watch it. Beetlejuice was another good choice. We also all got really into Instant Hotel and also the old classic card game Go Fish.

 Poop!  At the beach!

 We enjoyed a celebratory anniversary round of daiquiris to kick off our 14th!

 We also had pre-dinner ice cream (and you guys!  Dorothy's habit of posing LIKE the statue she's standing with SLAYS me)

 I fit back into my wedding rehearsal dinner dress, which is cause for celebration on its own!

 Wnd we spent our anniversary playing (and losing) bar trivia.  What a great night!

 A little early AM Go Fish

 We took a walk through a gorgeous forest preserve

 Dorothy HATED IT and cried almost the whole way.

 Such a cool view!  Palms and pines!

 We all recovered with a lunch at our favorite harbor-side burger place.  Called, um, Harbourside.

 Dorothy made herself many pairs of sand pants.

 More castles on an endlessly gorgeous beach day.

 Yay beach!

 Even Ben joined in the cartwheel action.

 We had more ice cream, obvi.

 Finally it wasn't raining after dinner, so we thought we could squeeze in a night beach trip

 Um.  Maybe not.

 Go Fish instead!

 (a beach pic before the storm)

 The next morning, Ben and the boys went fishing, and Dorothy and I lugged everything to the beach by ourselves.  It was a short walk from our villa to the water.  A short walk surrounded by alligator ponds.  Erm.

 To mix things up, we went to to Stu's instead of Ben grabbing takeout for the beach.

 And we spent a long afternoon at the pool, where I realized I was wicked tan.

 We went souvinier shopping, and Dorothy ended up with a million stuffed animals.

 That she brought to breakfast the next morning.

 Favorite breakfast spot!

 Favorite park!

 Favorite alligator pond!

 Favorite lunch on the beach!

 Favorite horsing around in the ocean!

 Favorite beach activity!

 Favorite drink spot!

 Favorite pool!

 And!  Finally!  FAVORITE RESTAURANT.

 We took a quick trip to the beach for night pictures

 And that was it! 

The next morning, we loaded up the car and drove to Cincinnati to stay with my uncle, who took us to a Cubs game!

(We also introduced the kids to Cracker Barrel along the way-- bigs fans, natch)

 CUBS!

 The next morning, we started the long drive home in my very favorite old town-- Oxford, OH.

 So many wonderful memories of this place!

That's a wrap!  

We had a lovely vacation, and we can't wait to go back.