Aaaaaaaall the anxiety

 I AM SO NERVOUS about school starting again. LIKE SO NERVOUS. HOLY SHIT.

I thought things would be easier this August, you know? Now I wish we had sent them back last spring because then I would not feel so bad about keeping them home this fall. As of right now, we are NOT keeping them home this fall, BTW. They want to go. Dorothy said she would rather get COVID than stay home, and I think the rest of them feel the same way. BUT I WANT TO KEEP THEM HOME.

Things I am doing to manage my anxiety:

MAKING AND EATING A CONSTANT STREAM OF CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

Buying kiddie KN95 masks by the 100s.

Doomscrolling**

**NOT HELPFUL. Duh.

We dressed alike:

OMG I LOVE THIS LITTLE FAT-FACED BABY SO MUCH.

SHE GETS INTO ALL OF THE THINGS.

Cooper on his hover board is the funniest thing she has ever seen

OMG her HAIR

Big girl

Minnie spent a ton of time outside for her birthday, and she LOVED it. In fact, it is so hard to bring her inside now from walks or the car. She sees a toy or a ball in the garage, and all she wants to do is crawl around outside in the dirt.

She loves her new water table like no other.

SUCH A HELPER.

THAT. HAIR.

 

Such a fun party!

 More pics to come, I promise

The Big 0-1: A Photo Dump

 We got Dorothy a present and gave it to her first thing in the morning before Minnie even opened anything. I am pretty sure this made the day fabulous because she was so happy all day long.

Ben's parents came to celebrate, so that also made the day extra special.

Minnie had presents, banana bread, two good naps, pizza for dinner, a trip to the pool and lots of time to hang out with her favorite people.

Today, we are celebrating her with a back yard party-- more about that later. In the meantime, photos from yesterday:

Happy first birthday, Minnie Marigold

 Minnie is an unqualified delight. What else can I say?

At the time, I thought her birth was hard and that it took too long. But she? Wasn't ready to come out yet. Once she realized we were forcing the issue, she arrived quickly, easily, joyfully. And that has been her experience on this planet so far. 

When she is ready to do something, she does it quietly and without fanfare or fuss. Talking. Sitting up. Waving. Blowing kisses. Showing us that she is so big. Getting teeth, Sleeping in her own bed, etc. Maybe we are ready for her to meet those milestones before she is, but she doesn't really care about our timelines.

She spent, for example, the first 3 month of her life sleeping in my arms or on my person, including 12 hours overnight. She would start the night on my lap while Ben and I watched TV, and then the two of us would go to bed together in my bed, and she'd snuggle into the crook of my arm all night long. And then! Right around the time I stated to worry about her ever rolling over, she started rolling and sleeping happily on her tummy in her crib. 

(Also, I miss those months of always having her close to me. I saw a meme about women spending more time nursing the first year of a baby's life than we do working a full time job, and I think the meme was meant to stir feeling about patriarchy and uncompensated mothering, but all it did was make me wish I could relive Minnie's first year and spend those hours nursing again).

She talks quite a bit for someone so tiny, and her receptive language skills are even better. She crawls SO FAST, and even though e are excited for her to walk, we will miss the sound of her hands slapping the floor. I love when she pulls up on my legs-- her feather light touch and the way she says Mamamamama. She calls herself Ninnie, but only when she really wants something-- she will reach for it and demand Ninnie!

Here's her very first picture:

And the last one on my camera roll at this exact second:

Our first family photo from last August 14th, before she had ever even been inside the house:

And, of course, the monthly Minnies:

Bangs, again.

Her Fred Flintstone feet! Her big kid water bottle! Her BOW.

Pool to ourselves!

Do you love how she holds a bottle with her toes? Because I do.

I got bangs. I have feelings about them.

(I also had bangs 8 years ago)
 

Will I ever have time to work again?

 Minnie wakes up usually once but also sometimes more than once every night. And the times are variable. Sometimes 11. Sometimes 1. Sometimes 4 am. She is also up for the day at around 6 but sometimes not until 7. All of this makes it very hard for me to get up early and work. On the one hand, I am very tired. On the other hand, it is impossible to get up early because she might be up any second. So me getting up at 5 something to work is stupid if the baby is just going to wake up at 5:45 or 6. Because it is not like Ben is the person she wants to see. He would deeply like to be, but he is not.

And I really didn't realize how much I counted on those 90 precious minutes every morning until I didn't have them. Sometimes, it is 9:45 at night before I can get anything done. Like, the whole day is gone because I have time to think a whole thought in front of my computer.

So my book? NOT COMING ALONG WELL.

My sanity? DITTO.

I have enough perspective to know that this is a season-- a short one-- but sometimes in the moment, it is hard to remember this, you know? Like, I thought to myself I should just stay awake at 4 am and get some work done and then I laughed and laughed. Because that? Doesn't sound like a thing I want to do on the regular. WHO WOULD?

Let's be real, though, I would miss her if she slept all night without me. When I lift her out of her crib, she says "Hi. Hug" and squeezes herself around my neck, and it is wonderful.