Holiday Things

We left 3/5 of the kids home yesterday, and almost all the cookies are gone. AND YOU ALL THOUGHT I MADE SO MANY (lol).

Julie made almost the exact same fudge I did, but hers has half the sugar and uses marshmallows, not marshmallow cream. Like Julie, I avoided the actual Nestle-branded chips. (You guys GOTTA make fantasy fudge-- it is so good. My dad used to make it, and I haven't in YEARS, but I do remember the year my grandpa died-- my dad made a batch almost every day when his dad was sick).

Ben bought himself a car on Saturday. It felt random to me at the time, but, in retrospect, he has been mentioning that he should trade in his 2022 hybrid Highlander before it hit 80K miles (he drives A LOT). (Srsly, we got that car in JUNE of 2022). Every time he said that I was like but I thought we were saving that car for Cooper, and we would drop the subject. So, I was only halfway paying attention. Really, though, that car has always been an awkward fit for us. It is not really comfy for all 7 because the third row is VERY cramped. My Pilot is just a teeny bit bigger, but that teeny bit is vital, it turns out. At the same time, it is kind oif big for one dude to be driving alone, and it is a tall car. Ben has very much NOT ENJOYED being pushed around by the wind on his most recent drives.

ANYWAY, he bought a super sporty looking 2025 Kia sedan (we are so old a sedan is sporty) with AWD (essential for a snowy 3+ hour commute) and lots of cute old man bells and whistles inside (does he love heating his steering wheel via app before he gets in the car? YES HE DOES). It gets better highway miles than his Highlander, and it is really comfortable for 2 kids and 2 adults and will be fine on Mondays when he drives Minnie, Dorothy, Dorothy's dance friend, and Coop on the drop off/pick up loop.

We drove it to visit my mom on Sunday, and it was great-- although I was anxious about being so LOW. It has been 15 years since I was in a car (not a van or SUV) on the highway.

Cooper got to be a judge at Jack's high school alumni dive meet

At the alumni meet, the kids make dive lists for each other and include the most ridiculous dives. LIKE THIS ONE, a classic that found a new audience

Dorothy is thoroughly enjoying winter break

HARRY IS HOME! With either dead bodies or LAUNDRY!

We had a great time at my mom's. Jon and Caleb were there, and they modeled the matching fam Lands End vests we got them

Minnie had a blast

Ben tried out Annabel's toy

And we all tried really hard to put these jammies on Scooter (we also tried front legs first)

Why Does my Shoulder Hurt, OR What's in my Bag?

 I spent all weekend putting a heating pad on my shoulder and chewing ibuprofen by the handful, which is HILARIOUS to me because the last thing I did on Friday before I left my office was take pics of my giant work bag and everything in it to write another one of those posts that Engie says are full of detail but say nothing (SAVAGE).

ANYWAY, here's the tl;dr in all its l, r-ing glory.

First of all, this purse is just a giant, unstructured tote bag, so it gets SUPER MESSY unless I use an organizer. I have the same bag only older and in checkers with red lining that has been my diaper bag since Cooper was born. I do NOT use an organizer for that one, and it’s just a big hot drippy mess (srsly— water bottles spill in there; it’s full of discarded wet wipes that are still damp; the lip gloss I dredge up from the bottom has tiny bits of Goldfish and hair on it. I have actually SENT IT BACK TO THE COMPANY for a new bottom, but it is AGAIN ripping on the bottom corners (after 13 years of rough use). But this! This is my dedicated work purse, so I am a little more careful with it. (Fun fact: these bags are plastic-coated canvas, not leather).

But! I am not SUPER CAREFUL as you can tell from stains, ink, spills, and crumbs (sometimes I actually vacuum it out, but on this occasion, I just banged it over the trash can a few times). (And! I think that’s really just fine. Bags are USEFUL, and I have USED THE HECK out of this one and its predecessor).

First of all, I keep a bunch of stuff in the zipper pocket of this bag (that is lined, so it would be a pretty ok spot for pens or anything else you want to keep contained/is prone to leaking).

I have like $3 in case I want a pack of gum, tampons in case my period comes back (IT HAS BEEN 115 DAYS— I am not crossing my fingers), hand lotion, chap stick, mascara, a hair tie, blush, neutral eye shadow, and a brush to either apply eye shadow or smooth out what I am already wearing because it settles into my wrinkles pretty aggressively. I also have a tube of cheapy eye cream in there because sometimes, I just look haggy and parched, you know? 

Next, I always have my computer, my iPad, and a bunch of power cords that I carry in one of those In Case zipper pouches. It is bigger than my current computer (from an ancient Mack Book Pro) and works for both devices and all the cords

To stop exploding pens from causing further ruin and to attempt to be able to find my my stuff, I bought one of THESE organizers after an IG stylist I follow recommended them.

This organizer is a LIFESAVER, and I wish I had one for my diaper bag all those years ago (TOO LATE NOW).

Here’s the tremendous amount of stuff it holds:

Pens and washi tape for my planner

Reading glasses (I have 2 pairs of identical readers, and these live in my work bag) and sunglasses. I HAVE A TYPE, OKAY?

My Kindle (fits right in a pocket!!)

Mostly pink lipsticks, a couple of hair ties and a tiny claw clip

MOAR hand lotion and a giant hand sani 

A kid hair tie, a clear hair tie, taco bandaids, and a single Bobby pin (LOL)

But seriously! My organizer makes that stuff look legit

Unlike my 2011 diaper bag version, the 2022 Neverfull comes with a cute little wristlet that you can attach to the inside of the bag OR wear around your wrist in a loop. That’s where I keep my keys, AirPods, phone, a hair tie, and another freaking lip balm (this one is by Tarte and has a hint of color- LOVE IT)- anything I would like to pull out of the bag and take with me on a walk or a trip down the hall.

Plus— LOL— a real folder of old timey paper

AND! An actual NOTE BOOK!

BUT SERIOUSLY, my shoulder hurts just looking at all the STUFF.

And! I didn’t even count my water bottle!

What about you— what’s in your work bag? (I might do this again about my mom bag)

Anxiety is WILD

 Now that my anxiety flare is largely behind me (TWO NIGHTS OF NOT SLEEPING, much assuming I was suffering from something new and fatal, lots of just being an asshole to everyone around me), can I just say ANXIETY IS WILD.

 I adore Stephany’s post about panic attacks because her description is SO GOOD. Like, you know that your feelings and thoughts are not accurate, but you absolutely cannot stop them. EVEN KNOWING that it is a garbage thought train coming straight for you,YOU CANNOT HELP BUT JUMP ON. Or jump in front of it maybe is more accurate?

I am on a not fucking around antibiotic, and it gradually gave me really awful nausea and headaches and a bit of dizziness. But! The onset of all of these things was gradual, especially since I was expecting an upset stomach because that’s usually how antibiotics work for me. Anyway, the other day, my nausea and headaches really ramped up and I honest to god immediately diagnosed myself with a brain tumor and started, like, imagining how I would tell the kids and get through my diagnostic MRI with my claustrophobia. WHAT THE FUCK, BRAIN?

And the truly shitty thing is that I BELIEVED THIS REALITY.

I was like OMG I feel queasy when I am reading with my glasses on. The tumor must be pushing on my optic nerve and my vision is getting worse! OMG I feel nauseous in the morning. THIS IS CLEARLY BRAIN CANCER. OMG my head hurts so bad I have to take Tylenol for literally the third time in 3 years (I almost never take pills of any kind) THIS MUST BE THE END.

Anyway, like a switch being flipped, I feel better (anxiety-wise— I just took my last abx dose today, so still feel a little queasy), and it’s SO WEIRD. Like, clearly, anxiety is a chemical thing not just a mind-over-matter situation.

Last week, when I was feeling really jittery and anxious, I was so worried that my acupuncturist left the room to call 9-1-1 because my pulse was so fast (PULSES UNREMARKABLE. SHE WAS GETTING A POST-IT TO PUT ON MY SHIRT TO REMEMBER TO TAKE THE NEEDLE OUT OF MY CHEST). And then at the end, after she took the needles out, she pressed on my wrists, and I was like OMG ARE MY PULSES OK (acupuncture says pulses, not pulse **shrug**), and she was like IDK, I am just wiping a little blood. But I was already PANICKING in both of these situations. What the hell? Also, you guys, speaking of panic: Can you imagine leaving the clinic and going on your merry little way and then, like, happening to glance down at yourself only to see a NEEDLE STICKING OUT OF YOUR CHEST?! Thank goodness she left for a post-it.

ANYWAY. I talked to my doctor today and got some meds that I can take when I feel too freaked out. And also Xanax for the big stuff. And! I am starting talk therapy, too. NOT THE ESTROGEN BATH I WAS HOPING FOR, but good, I think.

Other things:

Dance szn:

Her goal is to be able to do with weird leg lift all the time

Minnie and I have been LOVING the park. All of the parks.

And! Even though she doesn’t start dance until next month, her tap shoes came in, and we picked them up while Dorothy had class and OMG SO CUTE

Marigolds!

 I took the most beautiful walk at work the other day. I was on campus for HOURS and had a bunch of solitary tasks to complete. I set timers to do pomodoros, but I needed to get out of my office for awhile, and it was hard to pass up 78 and sunny.

It was lovely especially because I have been feeling very anxious lately for no reason. Like, al of the sudden out of nowhere, my stomach feels like I am on a roller coaster. I think I have been too long without acupuncture and massage. I kept rescheduling appointments as I ran out of time to juggle everything with limited Minnie care after her camp ended. So! Last week I had an awesome massage (trigger points— a style I do not usually like a ton because I am looking for more relaxation BUT this one was incredible, and I could feel the tension leaving my muscles. I expected my neck and shoulders and right hip to feel tense and need release, but even my ARMS were tense, apparently because feeling the muscles let go was wonderful), and this week I see my acupuncturist. And I have appointments scheduled through the end of the year. THAT I WILL KEEP, DAMNIT.

This morning, I decided to reframe the anxiety as EXTRA ENERGY, and so far, my brain is liking that frame, and I got in an extra 1/4 mile in my usual time on the elliptical, even though I had a dream that I was having a heart attack and woke up with a pounding heart and another large chunk of my brain pretty sure that’s happening in real life and why I feel anxious. ANXIETY. YOU ARE THE WORST.

We went to the Pekin Marigold Festival on Saturday, and it was an absolutely delight. We hung out with my best friend since FIRST GRADE and one of her delightful daughters and friend. 10/10 would recommend and will be back next year!

Ice cream at our favorite place:

Filthy carnival rides:

MISS MARIGOLD!!!! (I was Miss Marigold in 1996, and it was the highlight of my life up that point— I always wanted to be the girl in the crown and the sash at the Fest and parade, and I WAS, so I was over the moon when Minnie wanted to meet the current Miss M)

Downtown Pekin has this lovely marigold mural as part of its Juneteenth memorial, and it was the closest I got to taking a picture of the actual parade.

Ice cream hilarity (Minnie had so much fun sitting with the big girls)

Stunting

Oh, Dorothy

Hijinks

If there is one thing I love more than a dirty carnival midway

It is a dirty carnival midway that has limited no smoking areas

Listen, I took a lot of pictures at the ice cream place, OK???

Us again

More stunting

Little marigolds (and Everett Dirksen, Pekin’s favorite senator).