Beatrix Clementine, May 18, 2014-April 12, 2023: An Exceptionally Good Girl

On Tuesday, Beatrix was the new version of her normal self that we have come to expect in the days since her diagnosis. She ate with gusto (and threw it back up), laid in the sun on the back deck (basking season has always been her favorite), tried to come outside with me when I stepped onto the porch to watch Dorothy bike to school, barked at the cartoon puppy on Super Kitties (a show as terrible as its name suggests, by the way. Jack got into the car to hear the soundtrack playing and said, "Oh, good. the songs from my nightmares."), demanded table food when the kids were eating, slept on the couch, went down to the backyard-- all of the things.

It was HOT in Madison, too, might I add. I wasn't expecting such an April heat wave, so I had all of the windows open, which was fine on Tuesday but definitely less fine yesterday because our house has terrible airflow, and it was nearly 80 degrees inside and out. So, when Beatrix spent all Wednesday morning lounging on the floor against the baseboards by the back door, I didn't think much of it. This is not unusual behavior for her over course of her life-- in fact, it was her norm. Harry came home for lunch when Minnie and I were out running errands and asked if I noticed that she was just sprawled on the floor. I said I had, and he asked me if she was OK. He petted her before he left, but she didn't follow him to the laundry room-- which was weird, but, I mean, she was actively dying of cancer, and the house was hot.

When I got home with groceries, I accidentally put the rotisserie chicken down upside down on the laundry room floor, and the juices spilled a little. NO REACTION from Beatrix. This was concerning because just the other day when we got a Costco Instacart delivery, she went bananas for the chicken when it was still on the front porch (WE ARE IN A SEASON OF ROTISSERIE CHICKEN HERE, OKAY?) I fed Minnie and put her down for a nap and ran downstairs to put Dorothy and Cooper's clean sheets on their beds and heard a loud thump from upstairs. I thought it was Minnie trying to climb out of her crib in her sleep sack and ran upstairs to find Beatrix trying again to climb onto the couch and falling with another loud thump.

Her back legs weren't working. At all. Which explained why she spent the whole morning on the floor.

I called the vet immediately and sat on the floor with her head in my lap. The vet said to bring her in but it would be a good idea to make sure everyone could see her before she left. Ben left work. I called the boys and told them not to go to their after school activities. I planned to take Dorothy and Cooper to dance and dive, like usual just so we would have something to do besides worry about wheat was happening to Beatrix.

Then I just sat with her while Minnie slept, ugly crying and rubbing her head and face because I wasn't sure where her body hurt. I told her all of my favorite memories of her and reminded her what a good girl she had always been. She fell asleep drooling and snoring, which made me cry even more. I brought her some water, and she was able to stand up on wobbly legs to drink it, but then she fell back down. A few minutes later, she stood again to throw the water back up. At one point she dragged herself to her bed and tried to roll onto it. I started to help her, but she recoiled when I touched her torso, so I stuck to her  rubbing her head and face, and she relaxed again. 

When Minnie woke up, I went to her room and opened her curtains and blinds. When I pulled the blinds up to open the window, I heard Beatrix moving and was shocked to find her all the way at the beginning of the front hallway-- as far as she could make it and only a few feet from her bed. Her entire life, the sound of the blinds opening in Minnie's room has been her cue to come running to put her paws on the window sill and bark and the neighborhood, and she tried to heed that particular siren's call until the very end, optimistic and curious to her last breath.

Ben sobbed all the way to the vet's office where her doctor said she had blood clots on her spine and a collapsed lung. He offered her some freshly cooked bacon and a beef stick, and she didn't even try to engage with either of them. A couple people from the dog hotel attached to the vet''s office (where Beatrix vacationed when we went out of town) came to see her, and Ben said they were crying, too.

 The doctor said he could re-inflate her lung and try to remove the clots, but he didn't think that would be in her best interest, although he had hoped, he said, that we would all have more time. We got 10 days between diagnosis and the end. Just 10 days. But also 10 whole days-- good ones, too, except the last.

She wasn't scared to be at the vet, which is why we opted to take her to her doctor instead of keeping her home and having other doctors come to us, and she was peaceful after some pain meds. Ben got to sit with her as she fell deeply asleep and treated him to her zen snoring one more time. After the vet started her IV, Beatrix breathed for just a few more minutes, and Ben sat a little longer, petting her bony body.

He picked Dorothy up from dance and met the other kids and me downtown for ice cream at the Memorial Union Terrace and a shell shocked walk by the lake while we waited for Cooper to finish dive practice. 

"Oh thanks," Dorothy said from behind the huge sunglasses she was wearing to hide her tears. "I am so glad you brought me to see all these happy dogs living their best spring lives." As soon as she said it, we noticed all the galloping retrievers, terriers, spaniels, and shepherds bounding in and out of the lake and chasing frisbees on the grass. Beatrix was never that kind of dog, though.

She was the best kind of dog. Unfailingly sweet. So lazy even as a puppy that she never destroyed anything (except a wall in our entry way that she ate one winter when it was too cold to go outside). She hated other dogs, true, but she loved every human she met, even Minnie who really threw a wrench in her peaceful twilight years. She barked at any dog on TV-- a real dog, a cartoon dog, a person in a dog suit. And! When the dogs would exit the TV stage left, she would bark ferociously and demand to be let outside so she could find them in the backyard, something that always made us laugh. She sat on the couch to watch TV like a person or perched on the back of it like a gremlin. When she was a puppy, she would lose her mind barking at the puppy reflected in the sliding glass door at night or the one looking at her from a newly shined refrigerator, and the day she saw the dog in the living room mirror is one we all remember. Her mortal enemies were the broom, the mop and especially the vacuum. She almost expired from rage the day she met the Roomba who quickly went to live downstairs, a place Beatrix never went because she couldn't stop herself from peeing on carpet. I am pretty sure she thought it was grass.

She and Dorothy were puppies together. Harry and Jack walked her before elementary school for 4 years of mornings. She's the only dog Cooper's not afraid of. Just 5 days ago, she was eating Costco mini chocolate chip cookies out of Minnie's hands. When the sound of Ben's snoring drives me out of our bedroom, it was the sound of Beatrix's on the couch that could put me back to sleep.

She leaves a 40-pound, stinky, snotty (at Beatrix's height up and down the hallway we could often find a trail of snot because she would walk along wiping her constantly runny nose on the wall) hole in the fabric of our days, and we miss her smells and sounds already. Is anything else as soft as her silky ears? Will another mouth ever take a pill wrapped in slightly out-of-date deli turkey from my hands so gently? Will I ever meet another creature who likes a nap as much as I do?

We'll never have a dog like Beatrix again, and we were so lucky to spend the last 8 years and 11 months with her. 

She was a delight, flatulence and all.

Some really good days, actually

 Beatrix is ok, mostly. She has had really good days, and she’s really happy and feisty. She is so skinny, though. Her spine sticks out and sort of hurts when she snuggles up to us. She sleeps at least 16 hours a day, and she throws up most of what she eats. Still, every day with her in it is a good day.

We hosted my family for Easter and ended up taking Minnie to the ER at 4:30 Sunday morning because she woke up with a stomach ache and was inconsolable. She threw up last week on Saturday and then again on Thursday. I contacted her doctor on Thursday, and she said there’s a bug going around and lasting for up to a week in little kids, who do sometimes feel better and then get sick again. She threw up again on Sunday morning, though, and was just writhing in pain. We were worried about her appendix or something acute like that, so Ben took her to the children’s hospital.

The doc there gave her Zofran and wrote a prescription for it (that we did not end up filling). He fed her some teddy grahams and watched her for awhile, testing for step, COVID, and a UTI. All her labs came back normal and her stomach stopped hurting as she and Ben were walking in to the hospital (OF COURSE). He said viral? Or maybe gas? He also said that sometimes kids who have never puked before do it again right away because they know it’s a thing that can happen when they didn’t before. Like maybe she did have a stomach ache and made herself puke? ALSO, both Saturday night and Thursday night, she ate Blue Moon ice cream (the same container), so I threw it away in case maybe food poisoning?

TL;DR: NO IDEA WHAT WAS WRONG. (She had another stomach ache Monday at 2 am, but she went to sleep pretty quickly and did not seem to be in pain like the night before— WHO KNOWS?)

I couldn’t sleep after Ben and Minnie left for the hospital OF COURSE because I am not a MONSTER, so I got up to make an egg casserole, breakfast potatoes, and cinnamon rolls, and it was all barely ready by 10 am (when my mom and her boyfriend, and Jon and Caleb were coming over to eat), even with the extra prep time, so silver linings? (We also had fruit salad, a roasted turkey breast and a delicious ham, plus a veggie tray and deviled eggs. And mimosas, but Ben and I stayed sober because Minnie).

After making a holiday spending spreadsheet last year, I decided to stick with the same-ish dollar amount but buy just a couple large things instead of baskets and baskets of junk. BEHOLD:

Behind the scenes dollhouse assembly:

ER pics:

Sweet Bea:

Hi.

 Hi.

I am so sad about Beatrix.

She's actually not doing as well as we hoped. She is very energetic, has a great appetite, and is drinking a lot plus peeing and pooping like normal. BUT ALSO, her breathing is very ragged and rattly, and she throws up almost all of what she eats.

I had hoped to make a Shutterfly book of her to order RIGHT AWAY when she passes so the kids have pictures to look at and funny things to remember, but I am covered up in work right now.

The only way my life works at all is if I FULLY PREP (every lecture script, every Canvas page, every exam question) the next semester before my current semester ends. I can manage the day-to-day of teaching and course administration and committee work and professional development ONLY IF everything is all ready for me ahead of time. AND ALSO YOU GUYS. I am teaching TWO CLASSES over the summer. So. Work work work work work and more work for me. 

And you might say but SARAH! The time you spend early prepping? Couldn't you just use it to prep in real time like a normal person? And NO I CANNOT. You know why? Because SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP and I have to do Other Things when I thought I would be working. This is stressful but really OK if it's, like, an October class meeting I am thinking about in March, but it is way less OK if it is a March class meeting I have to prep in March right before class but then right before class is actually a student meeting or an orthodontist appointment or a sick child's day home, you know?

But! Wisconsin! Flipped our Spreme Court for the first time in fifteen years, and now our liberal majority is 4 white women of a certain age who all came onstage together for the newest justice to declare victory to Lizzo's "About Damn Time." NOT A COINCIDENCE that they entered the room at the exact moment Lizzo said "It's bad bitch o'clock." LOVE that for Wisconsin. It's so fun to see politicians who LOOK JUST LIKE YOU, you know?

Here's the video.

Anyway. Thanks for all your kind words on my previous post. We are taking it one sad day at a time.

Running across the street to vote at 7am. She thought we said boat; much disappointment, etc.

My sticker! WAS A PERFECT MATCH!

Terrible news about Beatrix

 Ugh, friends.

I write today with really sad news about Beatrix.

She has late-stage lymphoma and has weeks or maybe months left to live.

Just writing that made me cry, and I have been crying all weekend.

She was perfectly healthy at her check up five months ago and weighed 38 pounds, the weight she has been within 2 pounds of her entire adult life. 

2 years ago, she was up to 40 pounds and having some shallow breathing/overheating problems on longer walks. At that time, the vet told us she needed to basically stop walking any distance and could take dog-directed strolls if the weather was nice. I tell you that because she has been extremely sedentary for the last 2 years. She has always been a lazy, sleepy dog, even as a puppy, so we didn’t really notice that she’s been more tired.

At her check up 5 months ago, the vet noted that her teeth were looking kind of rough, so we switched her from the dog food she has been eating her entire life (Blue Buffalo chicken and brown rice) to the senior version of that same food. She seemed to not like that food very much, and she started eating with less gusto. She was still eating, though, still stealing Minnie’s food, still gobbling food under the table at dinner, etc.

Beatrix has always had a hair trigger gag reflex and vomits more than any of us would like. We noticed an uptick in the frequency of her puking in the last few weeks, but we attributed it to the food and bought the regular version instead of the senior version at the grocery store last week, especially after we noticed that she looked a little thinner (which made sense because she was eating less).

Lately, we both noticed her standing stock still and staring into the middle distance with her shoulders kind of hunched— something we both thought was weird. We wondered if maybe something was hurting her, but she wasn’t acting strangely. A few times at night, Harry had to wake her up to taker her out before we all went to bed, and twice recently, I have noticed that the back door is still locked around lunch time, meaning she hadn’t gotten up to go outside yet. But all of these things could be attributed to her age and the general mellowing of an already super mellow dog.

On Thursday, though, she experienced a rectal prolapse while straining to go to the bathroom. Not only was this gross and uncomfortable, it was unexpected since her bowel movements have been unremarkable (but here I am, remarking on them). Ben was at work, and I was working from home with the kids home on spring break, so Harry took her to the vet to find out what was up. He called me just as I was wrapping up the lunch hour and tucking Minnie into bed and asked me to come to the vet, too.

When I got there, the doctor told us that while the rectal prolapse was easy to fix (yuck yuck yuck), he was worried about what might be causing it, and he noticed that the lymph node on the left side of her jaw was larger than a golf ball. He said he suspected that she had lymphoma and that it was really advanced, affecting nodes in her chest and stomach. He noted that she has lost EIGHT POUNDS in the last 5 months, 20% of her body weight!! He said nothing felt abnormal in her rectal exam, so he suspected that enlarged lymph nodes in her stomach were making her feel like she needed to poop when she didn’t. He recommended a fine needle aspirate the following morning to screen for cancer and said we would go from there in terms of staging/oncology/treatment plan, etc.

We took her home, feeling really shell-shocked, and as soon as she got out of Harry’s car, she tried to poop and had another rectal prolapse. Gah. We took her back to the vet, where he SHOWED HARRY HOW TO PUT HER RECTUM BACK INSIDE HER BODY (and, listen, it involves honey) and gave her tranquilizers and pain pills, hoping to get her to relax and allow her stomach to stop cramping, etc. He warned us that rectal prolapse might happen again and told us the only real alternative to helping her retract it (so gross you guys) was a surgery to suture it shut, which would mean she would also need to be on heavy duty stool softeners— something the vet called “a real housekeeping issue” LOL LOL LOL.

The med combo worked like a charm, and she slept for like 14 hours, arriving for her FNA suuuuuuper relaxed.

Things moved pretty quickly from there. Her doctor kept some cells to look at at the office, but he sent the majority of the sample to pathology to review. He said he’d call us if he saw anything but that we’d likely have to wait for pathology, which could take 7-10 days. THE VERY NEXT DAY the vet called to say he strongly suspected lymphoma after viewing her slides, and, less than a half an hour later, the pathology report came in. Lymphoma. Definitely.

This is a really fast-moving cancer in dogs, but there are some treatment options, depending on things like dog’s age and cancer progression.

After the FNA, we could do blood work and x-ray/ultrasound to stage the cancer, but our vet advised us to think about just treating her with prednisone. It is true that chemotherapy can help dogs live longer and more comfortably with lymphoma, but Beatrix’s cancer appears to be really advanced— it is likely already in her stomach, and it might already be in her lungs (she has a pretty bad cough and some sleep apnea that’s worse than usual). He said if she were his dog, he would not get an oncology consult, although he said if she were 2 or 3 years old, this might change his mind. She’ll be 9 next month, though, and prednisone can give her some good days, weeks, maybe even months.

She responded to the steroid within an hour of her first dose yesterday, which the vet said he hoped she’d do. She is hungry again and peppy. She barks at TV animals and dogs walking by. She wants to go for walks. She is able to take normal poops because her stomach feels less full. All good things.

This is, apparently, the heartbreak of prednisone. Docs do not recommend chemo after prednisone because it can mess up identifying the type of lymphoma (t-cell or b-cell as I understand it) that dictates the type of chemo that’s most effective, can mask symptoms of chemo that are undesirable and would necessitate a change in meds and can really hurt the dog if left unchecked, and can just generally interfere with the effectiveness of chemo. So, you can either, our vet said, do chemo or start steroids. The heartbreak comes in when your dog responds super well to prednisone and then you think oh! Maybe she’s not actually that sick and we should try chemo. But then you really can’t.

Anyway.

Beatrix does not have much time left, and we are so sad about it.

She has been our dog of a lifetime since the first day we met her, and it’s terrible to think of life without her.

Her doctor said we would know when the prednisone has stopped working, and Beatrix is too sick to continue, and I am dreading the day. Harry wants a paw-print keepsake, so I am going to work on getting molds taken this week, and we have been advised to spend time with her, love her, pet her, etc.

 It’s really fun to have old Beatrix back, but it’s also such a painful reminder of what we’re going to miss.

March: What I Read

 

(Can I just say that I read a ton of really good backlist books this month? The Great Circle just blew me away, and Crossroads was an unexpected delight.)

 March books, in order of excellence:

Maybe Now by Colleen Hoover: NOPE. THIS IS REALLY HORRIBLE. DO NOT READ IT. Unless, like me, you are fascinated with CoHo as a social phenomenon and feel the need to devour her entire oeuvre.  **Audio

Every Summer After by Carley Fortune: Lots of good reviews, but this one was just OK for me.

The Friendship Breakup by Annie Cathryn: I liked how breezy and fun this book was, but the plot had some major holes. A great topic, though! **2023

River Sing Me Home by Eleanor Shearer: I feel like I am going to be the only person I know who only kind of liked this book. **2023

Bad Vibes Only by Nora McInerny: She is a delightful essayist, and this book is great!

The Island by Adrian McKinty: I COULD NOT STOP LISTENING TO THIS THRILLER. So scary and action-packed. In retrospect, not very well written, but at the time, I was HOOKED. **Audio

A Dangerous Business by Jane Smiley: This was a delightful little romp about gold rush prostitutes solving a murder. how fun to just be, like, an awesome established writer and be like um okay guys. I am in the mood for a TOTAL DEPARTURE. The writing didn’t even really sound like her.

Finlay Donovan Knocks ‘Em Dead by Elle Cosimano: Darling. Can’t wait for #3. But I will wait because I don’t want to use an Audible credit on it. THERE IS A NEW CURTIS SITTENFELD IN THREE DAYS, people **Audio

Ms. Demeanor by Elinor Lipman: I LOVE HER and was so delighted to see a new book of hers on the shelf. This was breezy and charming but maybe resolved too fast and then kept going. 

Big Swiss by Jean Beagin: What was this? **2023

 Lives of the Wives: Five Literary Marriages by Carmela Ciuraru: Really, you just need to read the intro and the Roald (pronounced Roo-all which WHAT) Dahl chapter. **2023

The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green: LOVE LOVE LOVE. LOVE. This collection of essays is WONDERFUUUUUUUL. I cried. I laughed. SO GOOD. **Audio

Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen: I usually DO NOT LIKE Franzen. He is just so... I don't know... the reason I usually only read books by women. And this book is the first book in a trilogy called The Key to all Mythologies which HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. SO SELF-IMPORTANT. But, anyway, I really liked this one. Maybe because I listened to it? **Audio

Exiles by Jane Harper: I get the sense from this book that maaaaybe Harper was not going to write so many Aaron Falk books but then they were a huge it, so she did. I say this because all of the sudden there is back story that never existed before, and this is kind of a pet peeve of mine, but it happens in every series, even the ones I love, so I went with it. I really liked this one even though it was easier to guess and the book didn’t feature the weather as a character, like her other books have. She’s one of my favorite thriller authors, and a new book of hers is delightful, even if I have a few quibbles. **2023

Georgie, All Along by Kate Clayborn: Loved this one. Clayborn is my favorite romance author, and this book was a delight from start to finish. **2023

Hester by Laurie Lico Albanese: Listen, folks. I am no Hawthorne fan, and I am getting mighty sick of all of this revisioning of old IP. BUT THIS ONE IS REALLY GOOD. (The Scarlet Letter) **Audio

The House of Eve by Sadeqa Johnson: This was wildly entertaining, and I liked it a lot. BUT. I had some problems. Maybe because I read a bunch of Rickie Solinger in grad school (Wake Up Little Susie is particularly relevant here), but I did not like the neat little bow everything got tied up in at the end. I really did like reading this one, though.

The Sweet Spot by Amy Poeppel: This is wonderful-- original characters, almost formulaic but then messes with the formula on purpose to subvert readers' expectations. I smiled almost the whole time I was reading it and even teared up a bit **2023

The Great Circle by Maggie Shipstead: WOW. So, there are 2 equally compelling timelines going on, and she makes me feel like that are BOTH populated with real people and that I am reading about an actual contemporary famous person and a real historical hero. IT'S SO GOOD. **Audio

Really Good, Actually by Monica Heisey: SO funny and charming and sweet. Definitely read this one. **2023

Okay, so, THE BEST OF THE BACKLIST:

And my favorite 2023 reads in March:

This Month:

20

9 books published in 2023

13 print and 7 audio

This Year:

61 books

21 books published in 2023

33 print and 28 audio

5 on a Friday: Cheap Tricks Edition

 Just because I splurged ridiculously on face cream (why YES, I DID go back to Ulta and snag the night cream for half off— thank you for the comment on that post!) does not mean I have outgrown my love of cheap things. In fact, here are 5 things under $20 that I am loving right now.

1. I know I told you about it before, but THIS cuticle balm is THE BOMB (bomb/balm- I have had A Lot of coffee this morning)

2. THESE Eddie Bauer 4-piece jammies from Costco. I am in between a medium and s mall, and honestly BOTH sizes are awkward in their own way, but I still pick up a pack when I am buying groceries because I want to collect them all, and they are SO COMFY.

3. THESE Contigo water bottles from Target. 2 for 20 bucks?! Love that for me.

4. THIS salad bento. GOOD FOR SO MUCH MORE THAN SALADS (but also good for salads, too)

5. THIS pornographic hair wand. Stephany recommended it, and I delighted to click over and see that is in only $19.99. Amazing waves, so easy to use, AND I think it will be great for Dorothy’s curly dance ponytail. SO MUCH WINNING.

Tell me, what cheap accessory is making your life better these days?

Water Park: CHECK

 

FINALLY. We braved spring break week in the Wisconsin Dells and took the kids to a water park. 

(AND! Harry went on a separate trip to the Dells with friends, but Ben had to drive him there because he had tennis tryouts and had to go later than his friends. But then, that night after Ben got home, the coach emailed the team and changed the time of the following day’s tennis tryouts, and Ben had to drive BACK TO THERE and get Harry before work. THEN WE DROVE THERE AND BACK AGAIN. TWICE. And now I need an oil change.)

Did I LOVE this little trip? No, not really. Did the kids? YES, ABSOLUTELY.

Dorothy was not sure the first night. She spent most of the time with me and Minnie at the tot slide, which was good because Minnie on the little kid slide was a 2-person job. Someone had to get her to the top and then someone had to be there to catch her. 

But Dorothy psyched herself up the next day and went on everything except some log ride thing that the boys told her was not very fun and the toilet bowl slide because that one really freaks her out.

Jack and Cooper got to roam around together (except when they had to take a turn helping Minnie) and loooooved life.

Minne? Minnie went down the same orange slide about 200 times. AND LOVED IT EVERY TIME. The big kids were all so sweet and patient with her. She was READY TO GO the second day around lunch time which was beyond fine with us. We held her over with snacks and Netflix on Ben’s phone while everyone else scampered off to do their favorite things one more time, and she rallied pretty well.

SUCCESS!

Ben really wanted this airbrush temporary tattoo

But he got his act together

ALSO THAT MAN AND HIS WIFE WENT IN THE WATER FULLY CLOTHED. WHY?

We did have a hotel room big enough for all of us, but we did not stay the night. Mostly because Harry didn’t want to come because he had other stuff to do, and we really didn’t want to leave him home alone overnight. But also because yuck, you know?

We showered the kids in our room, went home, slept in our own beds, and came back for more the next day. With a bonus stop at a candy store that had PAW PATROL STUFFIES YOU GUYS. As if Minnie’s day wasn’t magical enough.

Ben got only old great grandma candy though.

AND THERE WERE DOLLS AT SOME KIND OF FUNERAL

But listen, I found Chuckles, and I couldn’t find them at a single gas station when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving, so that’s a win.

On our slightly creepy tunnel walk from the hotel to the park, Dorothy wanted everyone to recreate this picture 

from 5 years ago, but she was the only one enthused.

Things I want myself to remember next time I Google Chula Vista or WI Dells or water park in the little search box on this blog to see if I have been there and if I like it:

1. IT IS VERY DIRTY.

2. IT IS VERY PEOPLE-Y

3. IT IS EXPENSIVE.

4. When you are in the tot pool, you feel cold water dripping on your head and assume it is a water feature but it is just someone’s dirty splash water leaking from a tube slide over your head with a rusty bottom like the slide is peeing on you while you stand ankle-deep in tot pool water which has to be like 65% pee.

5. THE KIDS LOVE IT.