My dad died seven years ago next week (on take your kid to work day, a day that the kids and I had so much fun celebrating on campus while Harry went to the capitol with Ben who worked for the governor at that moment), and Jack has recently started wearing his cologne (not, like, my dad's actual bottle, but Obsession, the scent my dad always wore). We traveled as a whole family this last weekend, and I kept getting little whiffs of Obsession and missing my dad so much.
(Also Jack wore a windbreaker pullover that zips into a pouch which was classic my dad as well, and he brought a man purse/camera bag full of random chargers. AND HIS CAMERA. Like, seriously, you guys. Jack was 11 when my dad died, so how much of this behavior is just INBORN? He also wears a chain necklace. I MEAN.)
At one point mid dance comp in the hotel lobby after a really hectic hair and makeup before the dressing rooms officially opened for the day, I was waiting for Ben's folks to get back from the bathroom so I could show them wear to sit for Dorothy's dances, and I was simultaneously so happy they were there to witness the madness of a dance competition up close and also newly bereft that my dad would never find us in a crowded hotel lobby again.
It went on like that all weekend. Being so proud of Coop for his double regional champ status after 2 awesome days of diving at Northwestern and remembering the one time my dad saw him dive during summer league when he was an actual baby whom we were convinced was a phenom.
Or standing in the hour-long (ALWAYS AN HOUR LONG THE WHOLE WEEKEND) lobby Starbucks line and remembering being a freshman in college at a the brand new Peoria Starbucks with my dad and being so embarrassed when he ordered us EXpressos.
Being the slowest member of our party at the mall and being accused of "Gar walking." Buying Dorothy everything she wanted at Aritzia and Minnie all of the KPOP Demon Hunters stuff at Zara Kids because it's fun to be unexpectedly generous. (My dad was reliably generous, but I am not always a soft touch). Ordering the deep dish pizza even though it took 30 extra minutes (my dad was the king of doing this when the kids were little-- always the the dutch baby pancakes and the prime rib while toddlers lost their ever loving shit).
ANWAY. More weekend dispatches later (we had tons of fun even though we had to leave a bit early the last day because BOTH GIRLS got sick)-- just a quick note to say I really missed my dad this weekend.
Oh Sarah, I am so sorry. Grief sometimes hits at the most random times. I'm sorry he's missed all of this and I am sorry he's gone - it seems to me he must have died quite young. Hugs, friend. xoxo
ReplyDeleteUgh, I'm so sorry Sarah. I am so thankful to still have my dad, and we're very close. But I know this won't always be the case, and I literally CANNOT IMAGINE and it makes my stomach flip flop like crazy to even think about it. I'm sorry you haven't had your dad there with you for all these special events and to just witness regular life and be alongside you as you raise your family.
ReplyDeleteOh, I’m glad he was there with you in a weird way, like you were reminded again and again what a wonderful dad you had and how much you loved him, and how much he loved you and the kids. And I’m so so sorry that he’s gone and not there to share all of these moments with you, and that missing him hurts so much. I feel this in my bones. Xoxo.
ReplyDeleteThis is Daria.
ReplyDeleteGrief is when you are standing with your back to the waves. Sometimes they are barely there but sometimes they swallow you whole.
thinking of you. that is so, so hard. it is so beautiful to see his traits carried on, but of course you wish he was here to see that happen, you know!? sending ♥️
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah. I’m so sad that your dad passed away at such a young age. I can only imagine your heartache. I’m getting a chuckle out of Jack’s tendency to smell like/accessorize like your dad. That’s sweet. Of course your dad would have so enjoyed all the talents and personalities of your gang. They’re just so darn fun, and from the sound of it - so was he. Please know that I’m thinking of you this week.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Sarah. Glad you found lots of ways to honor his memory this weekend, and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I know this feeling. Both my parents passed away when my kids were young, and ever since, I think about them and miss them at every big occasion. Your dad was on your mind especially this week, so of course you kept picturing him there with you. It's so hard... shouldn't it be easier than this??? Anyway... sending love and support. : )
ReplyDeleteThis is really beautiful, Sarah, and I'm so sorry your dad isn't there for these magical moments with your kids. It must be so hard! Grief comes out of nowhere sometimes, doesn't it? <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, friend. Grief doesn't have an expiration date and it must be so hard to never know when the pangs are going to hit especially hard.
ReplyDeleteIt is truly beautiful to see how his traits are living on in your kids <3
Isn't it funny how these pop up? I'll have moments in time when I think "Man. He would have loved this so much" or "He would have made this so bonkers" and it breaks my heart that he's missing it.
ReplyDeleteThis was so sad, Sarah. Seven years seems like such a long time, and yet nothing given the lifetime crystallized together. How amazing that Jack has so many of your dad's traits...
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